JayDee...

It doesn't take a reason to love someone,
but it does to like someone.

You don't love
someone because you want to, you love someone
because you are destined to.

It's because you
fall in Love with them, that you then try to
find a reason, but you always come up with
the answer, No reason!

----------------------------
I love you not only for what you are, but for
what I am when I am with you. I love you not
only for what you have made of yourself, but for
what you are making of me. I love you for the part
of me that you bring out.

If only I could hold you right now and let you know how happy I am to have you in my life, expect me to never let you go. I'd rather lose everything in life than to live without you."

The Things I Hate

I HATE the way rains and roses still remind me of YOU, and the way Belgian chocolates will never taste as sweet...

I HATE the way my smile has changed: plastered, hesitant, forced...

I HATE that I find myself wanting to call you at 1 AM...

I HATE the way I'm supposed to pick up the pieces and move on...that I'm supposed to believe that everything's gonna be alright...

I HATE that I have to drink to forget...and the hangover that follows and remembering all over again...

But the thing I HATE the most is that no matter how I try, I can't bring myself to hate YOU the way I hate everything else!

Someday

Someday, you'll gonna realize
One day, you'll see this through my eyes

But then, I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared

I know, you don't really see my worth
You think, you're the last guy on earth

Well, I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long
Won't take long

'Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place

One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday...

But now, I know you can tell
I'm down and I'm not doin' well

But one day, these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry
Sweet goodbye

'Cause someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place, Ooh...

One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see I won't even miss you
Someday, I know someone's gonna be there

Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place

One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday...





someday, chin...

insignificant

what we believe that happened in our past are based on our memory.  others may tell us that certain things happened but it is our choce if we will consider those as facts. our actions depend on what we remember. before going to bed at night, we plan the tasks that we will be doing the other day. we program our minds and this set of instructions in our brain.  the next day, when we wake up we recall what be planned the night before.  if we did not do what we are supposed to do, this means that we have not given enough attention to that data so it is not stored in our memory. so we tend to forget.

If our attention is subjective, our memory is subjective, if we base our belief on what we recall as true, memory cannot be reliable.

So, I wonder why some people loves remembering their pasts.  Memory fades, loses its value as time goes, and may also be corrupted…why some just couldn’t accept the facts, the truth, the tangible things…why they long for things that are already gone.

Eleven Minutes

If I were to tell someone my life today, I could do it in a way that would make them think of me as a brave, happy, independent woman.

Rubbish: I am not even allowed to mention the only word that is more important — LOVE. All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that’s a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.

That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself –in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer. But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with.

Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.
----------------
from my favorite Paulo Coelho

Hanggang dito na lang

Isa ako sa libu-libong taong nagpakatanga dahil sa pag-ibig. Isa ako sa mga umasa, lumuha at nasaktan. Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong mahalin ka nang walang hinihinging kapalit. Hinayaan kong masaktan ang sarili ko.

     Akala ko, mamahalin kita nang walang hanggan subalit napagod na ko. Labis na kong nasaktan dahil sa iyo… dahil sa pagmamahal na inalay ko.

      Ngayon, hindi na ko umaasang mamahalin mo o magkakaroon ng espasyo sa puso mo. Hindi ko na hinahangad na makasama ka at hindi ko na inaasam na mahagkan ka.

     Hanggang dito na lang ako… sa isang nakaraang pangarap na iibigin ka hanggang sa walang hanggan. Palalayain ko na ang sarili ko.

Mind-Boggling

Just explain to me this phenomenon: what is it with the boys who would prefer the effortless option than embarking on something slightly risky but ultimately more rewarding??? Is it listlesness? Is it their being commitment phobic? Or is it simply in their nature NOT to take risks? Hmmm...probably all of those things. Makes me wonder if I'm just meeting the wrong kind of guys, who happen to be 'boys' and not 'men'. *sigh*.

Such boys always claim they want a challenge, yet when presented with one they run for the hills.

I'm still waiting for one to prove me wrong -- any takers??? You don't necessarily have to offer yourself to me though, you can just simply react to this 'phenomenon' and help me better understand men. =)

Forever Loved

Today is the birthday of my late dear dad. Me and my family woke up early and went to the memorial park to offer flowers and greet our father who passed away almost three years ago. We missed him a lot. He may not be the best father, but the great thing he did to us has a strong impact of who we are and what we are today... 

I always have this song that reminisces the beautiful memories of my dad. Oh I really love to dance with him again, if given that chance...

Dance with my Father

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then

Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again

Ooh, ooh

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah, yeah
Then finally make me do just what my mama said

Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my father
again

Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear her, mama cryin’ for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I’m prayin’ for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don’t do it usually
But Lord, she’s dyin’ to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

To our dad, thank you for all the sacrifices and dedication that you made. And I'm sorry for all the disappointment and frustration that I gave you. I'm sorry coz often, I didnt listen to you... I so miss you, and I really love to see you again...

I love you, dad... Forever, you will be loved!

may mundo sa bawat espasyo

 

S  P  A  C  E 
Give me wide open space
With the sun and the rain in my hair
Every breath that I take
Space to cross, no pain, no fear
Space to cross, far away from here…

:: Achinoam Nini, SPACE

kung may mundo sa bawat espasyo

at may puwang ka na sa puso ko

ikaw na ba ang bagong unibersong

kasamang iinog sa aking mundo?

Mahal Kita Kasi

Cheesy, funny, but naka-relate ako... hahaha, im so corny these days...:) Here's the lyrics of the song:

Bangin ka ba? kasi
Nahuhulog na ako sa 'yo, naman kasi
Unggoy ka ba? Kasi
Sumasabit ka sa puso ko, naman kasi
Pustiso ka ba? Kasi
You know I can't smile without you
Pagod na pagod na ako
Maghapon ka na kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko
Kasi naman kasi

Mahal kita
Bagay tayong dalawa
Papicture nga
Para mapadevelop kita
Hindi tayo tao, hindi rin tayo hayop
Bagay tayo, bagay talaga

Papupulis kita, kasi
Ninakaw mo ang puso ko, naman kasi
Kuto ka ba? Kasi
Palagi ka sa ulo ko
Naman kasi
Apoy ka ba? Kasi
Alab-alab I love you

Magsalbabida ka nga
Kasi baka malunod ka sa pag-ibig ko
Kasi naman kasi

Mahal kita
Bagay tayong dalawa
Papicture nga
Para mapadevelop kita
Hindi tayo tao, hindi rin tayo hayop
Bagay tayo, bagay talaga

Kamukha mo si Papa P, Papa P (Ding Dong)
P Papa P, Papa P
P Papa P, Papa P (Dingdong)

Exam ka ba, kasi
Sasagutin kita agad-agad, naman kasi
Drugs ka ba? Kakaadik ka kasi, kasi, naman kasi
Kulangot ka ba? You're really really hard to get
Posporo ka ba? E di posporo rin ako
Para match
Kasi naman kasi
Mahal kita
Bagay tayong dalawa
Papicture nga
Para mapadevelop kita

Hindi tayo tao, hindi rin tayo hayop
Bagay tayo, bagay talaga

Pustiso ka nga, kasi
I really really can't smile without you.

When the Bitch Falls In Love

I had a wonderful time with Mariel last night, as we enjoy a bottle of T5 in a local KTV bar here in my place. As we get drunk, we began to share our most kept secrets to each other, giving our analogy on every thing that we observe from each others behavior. We laugh as we confirm that what we said to each other is true. It was indeed a night of revelation. And a memory that is worth remembering, for a lifetime...

We separated our ways past 12 midnight and since I was already drunk, I decided to drink a soup of instant noodles which I bought from an open bakeshoppe... As I was eating the mami, a song from a latenight radio station filled the air, and I was stucked  because the first few lines of the song describes how I feel for a boy whom I recently considered as special. The boy that I talked about to Mariel for countless times already.

I was unable to finish my soup, and my melancholic heart begin to hope, ponder and wish as the song was played till its very end... Yes, I believe(more like hope) that someday, we'll find ourselves, in love to each other... Haaaist...

You look in my eyes
And I get emotional inside
I know it's crazy
But you still can touch my heart

And after all this time
You'd think that I
I wouldn't feel the same
But time melts into nothing
And nothing's changed

[Chorus:]

I still believe
Someday you and me
Will find ourselves in love again
I had a dream
Someday you and me
Will find ourselves in love again

Each day of my life
I'm filled with all the joy I could find
You know that I
I'm not the desperate type

If there's one spark of hope
Left in my grasp
I'll hold it with both hands
It's worth the risk of burning
To have a second chance

No, no, no, no, no, no I need you baby
I still believe that we can be together
If we believe that true love never has to end
Then we must know that we will love again.

--------------------
Falling in love is quiet a risk  because it's not the usual way for a bitch like me. But they say that the heart has reasons that reasons cannot know. Love can really softened the most hardest heart. You will do everything, even to the extent of getting your pride to the lowest point. Is he worth it, I dont know. I just hope for my vindication, when time comes... As for now, I enjoy having the feeling of being in love. The bitch is really, officially falling in love to the most unexpected person... Padayon hanggang sa tagumpay...:)

To that special boy, I believe that there will be US, hopefully!

The Pain of Loving You

No one will ever get close to me again. My days of falling in love are over. Losing you has caused me more pain and heartache than I ever want to endure again. I fell in love with you against my will. I was not looking for love and had been quite happy by myself. Then you came along and before I knew what was happening my heart betrayed me.

The sweet taste of your lips on mine, the smell of you as you held me close.  The time we spent talking hours on end. The safety I felt in your arms. Oh this hurts. The laughter that lit up your face when we talked. The twinkle in your eyes. The memories of our making love that  torment me time and again as I close my  eyes at night. You fill my dreams and thoughts as no other has. This is going to be a tough one getting over you.

Your fear of commitment that won't just let our love evolve. You just walked away without a backward glance. Leaving me all alone with this ache in my heart that won't just go away. How do I get through these next days, weeks, months of pain. Please tell me how to ease the pain. Oh how will I ever survive?

The tears that slide down my cheeks as the memories of you, of us, fills my  mind constantly. The future I knew was ours to share has all been ripped away.  All that is left is my broken heart. How do I get over you? How do I take the pain and hurt away? How do I go on without your love that carried me through each day? How do I stop my heart from breaking in to? How do I stop these tears that fill up my eyes and stream down my face. I guess if I had the answer to that I could solve all the broken hearts in the world. As they say, "Time heals all wounds".Dear God, please help me mend mine!

Angels Cry

Shouldn’t have walked away

I would have stayed if you’d said

We could have made

Everything ok

But we just

Threw the blame

Back and forth we treated love

Like a sport the final blow

Hit so low

I’m still on the ground

I couldn’t have prepared myself for this fall

Shattered in pieces curled on the floor

Supernatural love conquers all

Member we used to touch the sky

And lightning don’t strike

The same place twice

When you and I

Said goodbye

I felt the angels cry

True love’s a gift

We let it drift

In a storm

Every night

I feel the angels cry

Come on babe can our love be revived

Bring it back and we gon make it right

I’m on the edge just trying to survive

As the angels cry

Limitless

Omnipresent kind of love

Couldn’t have guessed it

Would just up

And disappear in a whirlwind

Here I am

Walking on this narrow road

Wobbling but won’t let go

Waiting for a glimpse of the suns light

I know I can stand just pull me back up

But there ain't a hurricane its just US

I'm willing to live and die for our love

Baby we can get back that shine

Cause lightning don’t strike

The same place twice

When you and I

Said goodbye

I felt the angels cry

Cause true love’s a gift

But we let it drift

In a storm

Every night

I feel the angels cry

Come on babe can our love be revived

Bring it back and we gon make it right

I’m on the edge just trying to survive

As the angels cry

Baby I'm missin you

Don't allow our love to lose

We gotta ride it through

I'm reachin for you (2x)

Lightning don’t strike

The same place twice

You and I

Said goodbye

Felt the angels cry

This true love’s a gift

We let it slip

In a storm

Every night

I feel the angels cry

Magkaribal

"You want war, I give you war."
 

Finally, Philippine TV shows made a good shot when it comes to Philippine drama. Actually, I’m looking for another taste from Filipino drama which is not a traditional way of setting up scenes and story line- so far, this Magkaribal drama is one of the best.

Billed as a fashion-serye, ABS-CBN’s Magkaribal has gained a large following since it started airing on June 28, 2010. The story’s most fascinating combatants are fashion mavens Vera Cruz (Angel Aquino) and Victoria Valera (Gretchen Barretto).

The former is the latter’s stepmother. How’d that happen? Well, it’s wonderfully complicated. Though the show uses a number of tried-and-tested telenovela conventions (such as the wicked stepmother, the separated siblings, and love triangles), some very refreshing twists have been added.

I love the show. It is about fashion, romance, family matter and relationships, friendships, children and parent relationship and etc. I love every lines and the characters made a great job in portraying there roles effectively and passionately. I'm also fascinated with its soundtrack, Kapag Ako Ang Nagmahal, by Juris.
 

Best of all, the characters are living showcases for the creations of Filipino fashion designers like Jojie Loren, Inno Sotto, Ivarluski Aseron, Frederick Peralta, and more. And of course, the lines delivered by Vera and Victoria border on campy–just the way we like it.

Congratulations to the ABS-CBN network and to casts... Bea Alonzo, Derek Ramsey, Gretchen Baretto, Angel Aquino, Enchong Dee and Erich Gonazalez they really portrayed and gave us the great performances in there craft.

I'm sad that the show had their "finale" last night. But I keep my eyes glued to ABS-CBN coz I believe that they will come up with a wonderful show like this, again and again.... Kudos to you guys.

Magkaribal is dramatic and decadent, the best kind of escapist entertainment. Here are few of the favorites lines I love from the teleserye...

1. “Love is a liability. It makes you do the most stupid things. Punyetang pagmamahal ‘yan!” -Victoria to Ronaldo (Robert Arevalo), her adoptive father

- talaga, hahahahaha

 2. “Sinasabi ko na nga ba! Everybody bows down to the queen.” -Vera to her employees, after being told that Victoria has backed out of a fashion show

 Her role as Victoria seems tailor-made for Gretchen Barretto.

 3. “You want war? I’ll give you war. Sabihin mo lang kung saan at kailan. I’ll be there in my red stilettos.” -Victoria to Vera, when the former goes to the latter’s office to confront her

–I so love this...

4. “That sneaky, social-climbing whore! If it’s a showdown Victoria wants…then ‘yun ang ibibigay ko sa kanya.” -Vera talking about Victoria

5. “I have been in the fashion business for three decades. Boss ako. Designer ka. Kung sinabi kong tumalon ka, tatalon ka. Kung ‘di mo kaya, umalis ka.“ -Vera to Gelai (Bea Alonzo), a young designer who’s also Victoria’s long-lost sister (though none of them know it yet)

6. “Oh, my dear evil, aging stepmother, I’m not just looking for any kind of job. I already have one. Now, I want yours.” -Victoria to Vera

 - so bitchy, so mee...:) hahahahahaha!

7. “If Victoria wants to play dirty, then I can roll in the mud with her.” -Vera to Donna (Nina Ricci Alagao), her assistant and favorite confidante

Model-actress Angel Aquino is anything but an angel when she plays Vera Cruz.

8. “Basta ako, ayaw ko ng laban that would take years in court. I want Vera’s quick and painful downfall. That’s how I’ll get her.” -Victoria to Ronaldo

9. “Kulang na kulang pa ‘yan Vera, dahil isinusumpa ko sa ‘yo: pagbabayaran mo lahat ng ginawa mo sa akin. Kukunin ko lahat ng ninakaw mo sa akin. Wala akong ititira sa ‘yo, maski na pangalan mo.“ -Victoria to Vera, in a confrontation scene staged in the ladies’ room

10. “What are we, Louie? Aren’t we just two people having sex?” -Victoria to Louie (Derek Ramsay), her boy toy
                                                                                        -  hahahahahaha, Victoria is so meee...

Sana

Sana magising ako bukas na hindi ko na siya mahal. Sana bukas, pagkagising ko, iba na ang pinipintig ng puso ko. Sana bukas, wala na kong nararamdaman para sa kanya at isang matamis na alaala na lamang ang pagmamahal na inalay ko sa kanya…

Kung Maibabalik Ko Lang

     Nais kong bumalik sa kahapon subalit hindi ko maaaring iwan ang kasalukuyang panahon…

     Nais kong muli kang mahagkan. Nais kong ibalik ang mga sandaling masaya ko sa piling mo. Nais kong muli kang bumalik sa buhay ko subalit isa ka na lamang alaala…

     Alam kong hindi ka na magbabalik sa akin dahil tuluyan ka nang lumayo. Pinili mong umalis sa buhay ko sa pag-aakalang wala ka ng espasyo sa puso ko. Alam mo kung gaano kita kamahal at alam mong wala na kong mahihiling pa sa mga panahong kasama kita. Ikaw ang buhay ko. Nang maghiwalay tayo, huminto ang pagtibok ng puso ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano haharapin ang panibagong umaga nang wala ka.

     Binigyan niya ng buhay ang puso kong namatay dahil sa pagkawala mo. Ipinadama niya ang pagmamahal na minsan kong naramdaman mula sayo. Muli akong ngumiti dahil sa kanya…

     At ngayong nagbabalik ka sa buhay ko, litung lito ang isip ko. Minahal ko kayo sa magkaibang panahon.Kung bibigyan lang ako ng pagkakataong makabalik sa nakaraan, pakikinggan ko ang tunay na tinitibok ng puso ko upang mapagdesisyunan ang tamang bagay sa tamang panahon.

<emosyon>

Apassionato

Apassionato is the past participle of a Latin word that means “to impassion”. It is found in the music sheets, where the composer wants to interpret a passage with passion. It should have been tattooed on our palms as we were handed to the stork for delivery. Then we would have been saved from vacillating between deadening dullness and paralyzing panic, from the trouble of learning on our own that life without passion is like salad without dressing – safe, healthy, not fattening, and unspeakably drab.

Passion comes from the Latin word for “suffering”, hence the Passion of the Christ. It implies suffering for a deemed noble: Christ believed in His divine mission and carried it trough to an extremely uncomfortable death. We see that passion transcends the physical and, contrary to common perception, is neither totally mindless nor totally blind. We determine our reason how we want to live and recognize the companion pieces of our choice – the possible grief, the potential rewards, our trade-offs. When desire smothers diffidence, when we opt for paths less travelled, corners less explored, then we live life with passion.

Analyzing passion is like defining love. We teeter dangerously on the brink of mawkishness. Groping with imagery, I find myself thinking of love as a cup of warm chocolate and passion as hot, strong, almost thick coffee. Chocolate soothes, comforts, and is sweet. Coffee unleashes energy, has full-bodied flavour, a touch of bitterness unpleasant to others, but delicious to the drinker.

Love is softness: passion is smoulder. Love might be contentment but passion is adventure. It must be free, untethered. It must explore, drive beyond boundaries, break moulds. Passion discovers, unearths, examines, magnifies, revels in details. Love rolls up details into a coherent whole. Love is passion hyperactive. Where love is melancholic, passion is pain.

Love and passion is inseparable. Extreme desire for another person’s body without awe of that person’s soul is lust. But when the desire for another body proceeds from a need to connect with that body’s cherished uniqueness, its soul, then the desire becomes passion. Lust quickly disappears. Passion is insatiable.
I asked a friend to recall a lustful encounter. She quickly described the mechanics of that episode – how they met, where they went, how they meshed, how quickly the storm passed. I then inquired about a man with whom I knew she had had a passionate connection. “He turned my blood to smoke,” she said, staring into a distance, and though it had been many years, I knew she remembered in her gut what it had felt to be with him.

Passion is visceral. It stands outside traditional thinking. It ignores conventions like distance, time, social acceptance. It dares into uncharted waters. It used to be primarily associated with romantic love. Today, thanks to authors like Tom Peters and Nancy Austin (A Passion for Excellence), passion’s boundaries have been extended to embrace work, entrepreneurial endeavours, corporate success.
And why not? Work should be a passion. I abandon myself to my career as I would to a lover. I take professional and personal risks. When I win, I soar. Other times I hit the pavement with a resounding thud. In between I do battle with indifference. I have been, for the most part, successful; not because I am the best but because I do my best and that for me is passionate, fulfilling life.

If passion is so good then why do many fear it? Because by its etymology (from the Latin word passus, past participle of pati meaning to suffer) it brings pain. To be capable of passion one must be open, vulnerable and brave enough to stare pain in the eye. It is safer, easier to be closed, unfeeling, unhurt.
Also, passion picked up an unsavoury reputation along the centuries. A murder committed by a person who found his/her beloved in the arms of another was labelled “a crime of passion”; encouraging many to shun “passion” when they should have avoided “crime”. If instead the killing had been called “a crime of murderous temper”, then perhaps more people could have surrendered to passion.

I believe that life lived with passion shimmers, shines, rises above ordinary. Allow me to seduce you into a passionate existence. To think, to laugh, to sing, maybe even to sigh – appassionato.
-anonymous

The Colours of Shadows

I watched the light crawl up towards the shadows in my room, lending a sinister countenance to the trees outside the windows. The air was filtered with dust and grime exhausted by the cars that went right past the house. The humid atmosphere was filled with the hustle and bustle of people rushing home after a tiring day.

Despite the noise, I can only feel an acute sense of loneliness.

I could not fathom such longing for things to be different from the way they are. The dream to reach for what I always wanted escapes me time and again. I try to deny that I merely want and do not feel the aching need. But I am more deceptive with myself than with others. I immerse myself in chiaroscuros because I have never known any other way to relieve the silence haunting my soul.

He remains to be the reason for my dementia.

I see the expressionless eyes everyday in my mind. I dared to tread the footsteps that those eyes left behind. It’s a fruitless endeavor for our souls will never meet halfway. Though we reached a different kind of nirvana, a physical exorcism of what should not be, our shadows are too far apart to ever follow the same path, to ever share the same space and to ever share the same joys and pains. And knowing this, I die a little each and every day.

But still I stayed and waited for the crowd to fall silent, for them to stop the chaos wreaking havoc between us, for him to see through the glass wall separating us. I waited for the impossible. For the soul I sought will never find mine. He will never know that I lived under the shelter of shadows just like him, hiding the truth from the rest of the world. Those seemingly vacant eyes will never find out how much I understood his belief that colors are non-existent, just a void of gray shades. He will never realize that I saw colors only through him, every hue mocking me with its clarity and hitting me with a sharp emptiness because I have lost something that never found me.

He will never know that I made him the world.

###############
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me
- Dashboard Confessional

(Note: I borrowed this from cerulean of www.peyups.com. I wonder if the author is my alter ego who have access on what I really feel inside.. This is for my Ekor, whom I deeply love in silence... You may or may not read this, everything in here is for you, and I just have to let it out, my way. )

Fhaeettt...

*sits in a corner, cries softly*

im not mad, if that's what you think..if that's how i sound like..
i'm just really really sad. and lonely and frustrated.
God.. im so deprived right now..
you dont know how its like to feel this way..
giving up is so beautiful.. and he's a mere finger's length away..
i want to live the rest of my life as someone else, something else...until the next life comes along..
and the only thing keeping me from doing so..
are the people who love me..the people i love...

Take a Bow

"Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
The lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]

Say your lines, but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around
Watching you, watching me
One lonely star
[One lonely star, you don't know who you are]

I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted - why, oh why?
The show is over, say goodbye

Say goodbye, say goodbye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part where you're breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[just make 'em smile, all the world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star, and you don't know who you are]

All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story'd go?
How was I to know you'd break my heart?

I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted - why, oh why?
The show is over, say goodbye..




Say goodbye."

Logical Thinking?

If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,

if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Money is not everything.

There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours.

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

The One That Got Away

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived.

And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life. If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away.

Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out
of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away!

(from an email)

Mensahe

Magda-dalawang taon nang nasa inbox ng cellphone ko ang mga mensahe mo. Hindi ko binura at wala akong balak na burahin. Binabasa ko iyon tuwing hinahanap-hanap kita. Hanggang sa sandaling ito, inaasam ko na muli akong makatatanggap ng mensahe mula sa iyo…

Paano kung Paggising ko, Mahal pa rin Kita?

Paano kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita?
Kung ang mga nilimot na halik
Ay isa-isang magtampisaw
sa manhid ko nang alaala?

Paano kung sa magdamag
na pagtulog ang kinahimbingang
anino’y ikaw pa rin?

Paano kung ang sagot
sa mapangutyang ginaw
ng madaling araw
ay ang alaala
ng yakap mong
hindi na akin?

Paano kung ang hatinggabi’y
palilipasin pa rin
sa paglimot
at pagsilip sa sikat ng araw
mula sa aking silid?

Kung ang halinghing ng hangin
ay bubulong ng
pangalan mong
di na rin kailanman bibigkasin …


Kung ang kakapain pa ri’y
kung saan muling maririnig
ang iyong tinig …

Kung paggising ko
mahal pa rin kita,
tulog akong magluluksa
sa puso kong
nalimutang muli
ang magmahal ng sariling pagka

Ilang beses na akong umayaw.
Paulit-ulit na nilasing ang
Sarili sa mga usok at ingay,
sa mga salitang sinulat sa
naglalahong guhit ng papel.

Pagkat ang paglaya
sa pagsasama nating
kay tamis - kay pait
Ay pagbitiw sa kadena
ng iyong pagkalinga.

Ilang libong hakbang na ang
nilakad papalayo sa iyo
nagpupumilit na di na lumingon
na di na rin tumingin,
na hindi na makaramdam.

Kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita
Mag-aalay ako ng balde-baldeng luha
(sindami ng iniyak ko sa nagdaang paglaya)
Pagkat gabi pa rin ang gabi
kung ikaw pa rin ang iibigin

Hindi pa marahil nagbubukangliwayway.
Hihintayin ko ang tilaok ng manok
Upang magising sa isang mapaglarong
bangungot.

Kung paggising ko’y
mahal pa rin kita,
babalikan ko ang
mga panaginip
at papatayin ang
alaala.

The Final Day

If God will ask me how much I love you, I would tell Him ten million times than what its worth. I love you not because I feel it is right, but because I like what I feel and nothing else.

Sometimes you asked if I regretted the day I met you. I said NO. But today is the day that I feared the most, because if you will ask me again, I know I would say YES. Of all the things that I have, it is your memories that I want to bury.

I know that what I am doing is right. Yes it is so right to get you out of my life. I should not believe on the friendship that you promised. I am such a fool to hold on to that. You choose to hurt me.

There are times that I need your presence, yet you were not there. I know that you know, yet you choose to ignore me. Now, I reckon that you will never be there for me. I should have known, because right from the start, you already left me.

I throw all your lies that I once believed. When you said that I was important to you and that you could not stand without me, those were all LIES. Maybe you were just forced to do it or you just did it to give me false hope. Now, all the words that you said were worthless. It’s because you are worthless to me.

I don’t mind anymore if you really liked me. What is important is I loved, and I gave everything without asking in return. Despite of that, you taught me to be strong. I learn to stop chasing and crying to someone who is worthless like you.

Maybe you destroyed almost everything in me. You took my dignity, my courage and my faith, even my life. But I can stand-up and regain them again. I can move-on and live without you. This is still me. It’s only the time and days that are changed.

Now is the last time that I am saying this. The last chance that I will think of you. All the things that happened are all gone. Even my life is already new. Now is the last time that I love you. The last time for everything, for you to know how much you hurt me. Everything is over. This is the last day that I suffer. It’s done, it’s all over. But on this final day, I am sure of one thing,

That this is not the last day that I am going to say this.


This is one of the articles i wrote for the local school paper which was published recently. For Papao...

He's Out Of My Life

He is out of my life. He was, for a long time already but his memories still haunt me. And no matter what I do, I can't get him out of me. Everything in him is implanted in my mind, my body and my soul...

He's out of my life
He's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think the two years he was here
And I took him for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
He's out of my hands

So I've learned that loves not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

And he's out of my life
He's out of my life
Damned in decision and cursed pride
I kept my love for him locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life

Whatever happened to the US, i will wish for the day that you'll come back. Hopefully, it's love will lead you back to me... I miss you, Papao!

Lunacy

No one would believe I touched the moon.

You are not one who would kiss the earth. Your life is spent dancing with the stars. And you know nothing but warmth in the cradle of the sky.

Hovering over the world
giving it light upon the night
always there yet never quite.

Long have I looked upon your face, one I never thought I would recognize. Mocked by the length of day, I would whisper lullabies to the wind, begging the world to fall asleep. So that you would return and I could once again serenade you with my gaze.

Even I was caught by surprise when finally you smiled back at me. For I am one used to the stifling solitude that is my destiny. So much that I find comfort in absolute stillness and only find my way in blinding darkness. That was how I fell in love with the night and come to know you.

And so it was that with a wicked twist of fate, or maybe it was just my strange fixation with pain, that I found myself yearning for nothing but a place in the heavens with you. It is a ridiculous impossibility only a recluse of my naive tolerance for tragedy could find absolute fascination in.

I therefore cannot blame the world, even with all my malice, for not being able to undersand. For I also can never come to terms with how they can fail to stumble in the dark because of your gentle light and never give you so much as simple acknowledgement of your presence. And I want to laugh for I was at least less occupied with my shadow to look to the reason it was cast.

No one will understand. And so it is no surprise that no one will find it less easier to believe that not only did I touch the moon but that you touched me back. And you did more than just that. You enfolded me with your passion and wooed me with poetry that would humble romance itself.

But the universe is as it would, and even Mother Nature will not find it in her heart to find me a spot in the infinite sky near you. So that the only way for us to be together is for you to leave your home in the heavens. But as much as I want to spend the rest of my waking moments with the whole of your being, I can never bear the thought of tearing you away from the sky. The world will never hear a word of it but I know you're ready to return all your light to the sun because you believe in the humility of my tiny glow. Nevertheless, we choose to stick it out where we are placed--tormentingly distant from each other.We both know that the world will blame me if you do step down to earth. And just like me, it pains you more to be the cause of that suffering than to have to wait for eternity to end just watching me from afar.

And so we wept our own goodbyes. I promise to keep singing love letters to the wind hoping the breeze of my heart will reach you. And you vow to always shower me with light enough to fill the world, knowing I'm there, awake in the slumber of our fate.

So it is that the world will end and they never would believe that everything is the way they all want it to be because of our great
sacrifice. No one would ever believe because no one will ever know. They would hear my soulful songs and feel the footsteps of your light among them but they will never know that you are the notes of my melodies and I'm the reason you look upon the earth.

No one will ever believe I touched the moon.

One Night Stand

“I want you”.

The words sound simple enough and the meaning is clear. “I want you” – it denotes possession and claim. Its connotation is even clearer – desire. So simple and yet so complex.

You want my body. It’s as simple as that. You wanted more.

So it happened. And happened again and again and again. And each and every time you came and took and left again with nary a second glance my way. You may give but it was always on your terms and your terms alone. I always got left behind contemplating on the sanity of the situation. I was throwing my better judgment in the wind in search of something that left me feeling - empty.

Empty. I stared at the wall for what seemed like hours after you left and felt – empty. A sacred act that supposedly expresses one’s feelings for one another felt like an orchestrated activity that one just had to do. Step 1: Say Hi! ; Step 2: Kiss; Step 3: Fondle; Step 4: Get on with it; Step 5: Climax. Step 6: Wash and say bye-bye.

I suppose the reason why I kept saying yes was because I was looking for that elusive something. But every single time it happened I always felt the same. Empty.

Love? But I am not in love with you; any more than you are with me. Every time you came I wasn’t the least bit interested on how you lived your life any more than you were with mine. And every time you left I couldn’t care less how you will live your life any more than you care about how I will live mine.

I don’t seek your affection and sweet nothings lovers whisper to each other. Nor do I seek the comfort of your arms for yours are not the one I want.

What then do I want? You? Perhaps. In this world of impermanence, one tries to look for some semblance of connection. Maybe, in those brief moments that we spend together, I can pretend to be cherished by a fellow being, albeit an empty shell like me.

Again, I ask myself, what do I want? Do I want you beyond the function of sating my body? Would I want you to want me beyond the same function?

My mind looks for answers. The wall remains as it is – blank. And like my heart, empty. Tired from the activity that led to my musings, I turn off the lights and sleep – an empty, dreamless sleep.

The Just Equation

I who loved beauty
was no beautiful.
I cherished truth and
yet I was not true;
I who remembered am so
soon forgotten.


But I loved him.


I who loved him was well
acquaint with sorrow.
I honored freedom
yet I was not free.
But once, indeed,
I knew the just equation,


For he LOVED me.

cold summer nights

it's one of my favorite songs in every ktv sessions that we have... and everytime i sing it, i cant help but pour my emotions and my heart singing the song on top of my lungs...

I keep on blaming my self
I should have eaten my pride
How can I convince you
It’s just a matter of time
Many times I’ve hurt you
With my foolish ways oh boy
Now I know I have to pay the price

Is there a way for you to turn around,
Turn around and come back baby
Ohh baby can’t you see…


It’s been cold summer nights since we drifted apart
Cold summer nights since you walked out that door
Cold summer nights… oh, here on my own
Coz I miss you baby, I need you here

i keep on blaming my self
i should have eaten my pride
how can i convince you
it's just a matter of time
many times i've hurt you
with my foolish ways oh boy
now i know i have to pay the price
is there a way for you to turn around,

turn around and come back baby
ohh baby can't you see...

it' been cold summer nights since we drifted apart
cold summer nights since you walked out that door
cold summer nights... oh, here on my own
coz i miss you baby, i need you here

cold summer nights since we drifted apart
cold summer nights since you walked out that door
cold summer nights... oh, here on my own
coz i miss you baby, i need you here

it's been cold summer nights since we drifted apart
cold summer nights since you walked out that door
cold summer nights... oh, here on my own
coz i miss you baby, i need you here

it's been cold summer nights since we drifted apart
cold summer nights since you walked out that door
cold summer nights... oh, here on my own
coz i miss you baby, i need you here


Baby… baby… ohh

-o-

Now I don't know anymore if I am ready to take him back if he asks me. I don't want to get my heart broken again. I don't want to undergo one hell week again. Bottom line, I'm scared because he has the power to hurt me over and over again

I Am Destined to be Alone and Miserable

I am destined to be alone and miserable.

To stare idly at nothingness; to fantasize about the impossible; to wish for things that can never be achieved; to hope for a love that can never be given.

To sit like a statue in the midst of darkness; to cry and yet not shed a single tear.

To be devoid of emotion; or at least be adept at hiding pain and frustration; to always seem to move on and yet in truth dwell in the past; to forgive but never forget.

To be ruled by fear rejection and yet foolishly try and try again to establish a connection; to fail at it; to try again, and again, and again, and again; and to disappoint myself each time.

To want to love and be loved in return, and find only emptiness and loneliness.

To have people think I’m crazy; and yet know that they just don’t understand; to suffer the indignation of having to notice every bit of ignorance, stupidity, and narrow-mindedness the world possesses and hate it; all the while grappling with the reality that I’m not so perfect myself.

To be fated to be loved only misery, melancholy, melodrama, and self-pity; to love a person who does not seem to exist; to put all my hopes, dreams, ambitions and aspirations on a person who’s probably going to let me down someday.

To bare out my soul this way because there isn’t any other means by which I can express myself; to fill dozens of notebooks with unspoken thoughts; and to read them again and again from time to time just to remind myself how pathetic I am.

To be a dreamer and a realist at the same time; to ask myself questions I know the answers to; to speak to myself for lack of another person to talk to.

To devour romantic movies and relish each kiss, each dance, each song, each and every single piece of dialogue as if it were my own; and to know the whole time that such things will never happen in my life.

To believe in forever and everlasting love, and yet be given the complete opposite every time I do fall in love.

To tell anyone who bothers to listen that I see myself married to her; and then lose her; to say it again about another person; and lose her the same way.

To fail at almost everything I try to do; to be ridiculed at every decision I make; to have people I know make stupid jokes and hurtful comments behind my back.

To always be second best or less; to watch my dreams fade away into nothing; to always have to suck it all up and say “Shit happens.”

To realize that all of this is my fault; that I make myself miserable; that I choose to wallow in self-pity and melodrama; and know that I can do absolutely nothing about it, since it seems that it’s the only thing I can do well.

Yes, I am truly destined to be alone and miserable. - Peyups.com

Journey of Uncertainty

And Hansel said to Gretel, "Let us drop these breadcrumbs so that together we find our way home because losing our way would be the most cruel of things"...


Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate, but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.

The journey may last for years and months. Sometimes you travel alone; sometimes there are others who will take the wheel. And take your heart. But when the destination is reached, it might you who'll arrive but it might not you at all.

And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.

Because sometimes you have to step outside the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

Yes, losing your hearts desire is tragic. But gaining your hearts desire, its all you can hope for. This year I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart, long, afraid to feel. My wish was granted. If having that is tragic, then give me tragedy... - OTH

tonight i will write the saddest lines...

for tonight i will stop thinking of you and stop hoping to see you in my dreams..

for tonight i will convince myself that there could never really be an "us" again..

for tonight i will wish upon the stars not to see you nor have contact with you anymore..

for tonight i have to accept the fact that memories good or bad are just memories and nothing more than that..

for tonight i will face the true meaning of letting go and moving on..

'coz for tonight i will say goodbye to you.. to our friendship.. and to all the things that keeps me from believing that "we" deserve a second chance..

God knows how much i loved you.. how much i cared for you and how much i wanted to be with you again..

i will shed my last tears for you tonight hoping that it could washed away everything that keeps me from feeling this way..

can't count how many times i've said goodbye to you..

but tonight, my goodbye isn't because i wanted to go away..

but to look forward and learn to appreciate everything that i have taken for granted for the past years just because i was too blinded of my love for you..

just for tonight, i won't pretend that i'm OK and that i'm not hurting..

but i'll make sure that tomorrow, i will be able to write something far from what i have written tonight..

Papao

I miss you, Papao.

In my busy life, there are moments that my mind will take me to the thoughts of you... Everything in me longs for you.  But i have to bury it all.

Someone have you, already. Somebody owns your heart. And you try everything to make it work.

I just have this song that my heart sings for you.
This one's for you, Papao. You are forever special to me...

Maybe

There I was
Waiting for a chance
Hoping that you'll understand
The things I wanna say
As my love went stronger than before

I wanna see you more and more
But you closed your door
Why don't you try
To open up your heart
I won't take so much of your time

CHORUS:
Maybe, it's wrong to say please love me too
'Cause I know you'll never do
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you
Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day
'Cause I know he's here to stay
But I know to whom you should belong

I believed what you said to me
We should set each other free
That's how you want it to be
But my love went stronger than before
I wanna see you more and more
But you closed your door
Why don't you try to open up your heart
I won't take so much of your time

Sigh!

Much of what happened in my life seem like a dream to me now, and like dreams, much is less understood... much is less accepted...

But through it all some things remain the same... for now... for always...

So here I am, lost in thought even after all these months. I go on existing, and to the ire of our common friends, I still love him and miss him with an aching heart and a very open disposition about it.

Hopefully, after some time, those words won't haunt me anymore. But for now, I go on.

Love's a bitch.

Never take anyone for granted! "Even the poorest of the poor know something that you don't.

Knowing If It Is Love, and Fearing When It Really Is

I woke up early this morning. It’s been a long time since I last did that; it’s been a long time since I last felt that there is a reason for me to face and challenge a new day with much zest—with much hope of getting in touch with you again. I was uncertain if it was really you who was giving me this feeling until I reached my house this evening—you’re certainly not in my school, not in my house, and not in any place that I know, but you’re certainly in my mind.

I’m beginning to like you; or perhaps, I already like you. I feel so scared; I feel so anxious right now, as if anytime, even at this very moment, I’m going to lose you—and I don’t want to. I feel that you’re already my friend, and I also feel that you consider me as your friend. I value our newly-found friendship, but although it’s really hard for me, I think we should end it now. But I don’t want to end it now; I still want to spend more time with you to know if you also enjoy marveling at the beauty of the stars, if you also take pleasure in eating Japanese food, if you can play "Ironic" for me on your guitar, if your favorite colors are also black, blue and white—I still want to spend more time with you for me to discover who you really are.

If we continue our communication, I will only continue to discover the wonderful person you truly are; I will only continue to share your happiness as well as your grief, your highs and lows. Because I want to be there for you, because I believe in you and I want to support you. I only know a little about you; I’ve only known you through what you have said about yourself. I’ve also only known you through your poems, but I’ve also known you through the things you have said to me. And I still want to know you more. Because, I guess, I do like you, and I’m ready to accept you no matter what else I might learn about you. However, even though it pains me so much to say this, we really have to end our friendship, because if we do not, my feelings for you will simply just grow deeper.

I want you to know that I like you, and that I want to love you. But I shouldn’t, because I know that there’s no possibility of you liking me, or loving me, or even you entertaining the thought of liking or loving me. It is unhealthy for us to continue our friendship when for you, I’m just a friend, but for me, you’re something more special. I have to get you out of my life or at least cut my communication with you, because my feelings for you have to subside, even though I don’t want to. I have to stop thinking of you all the time, even though—again—I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in my imaginations; I don’t want to live in my illusions.

You are a great person. You are special. You have inspired me in many ways, and you still continue to inspire me. I thank you for your kindness, for involuntarily motivating me to start my own online journal, for entertaining my messages, for supporting me on my first steps as a blogger and for being my friend.
Still, I really wish to know you, but this has to end.

Perfumes

It's been two years since I last smelled your perfume on your skin but the scent of it still pulls at my heartstrings and brings a tear to my eye. A stranger has passed me by, smelling just like you, and I close my eyes... dreaming that for a couple of minutes it is you who is nearby, and not some guy I have never seen before and will probably never see again.

You have made that scent yours -- even when thousands, perhaps even millions of other men across the globe have claimed it for their own as well. That smell will always remind me of you and you alone. No other man can wear it the way you can.

A few months after we broke up, I rode in an empty elevator smelling of your perfume. I almost broke down right there. I thought, God was playing a trick on me. I felt your presence so strongly, it was almost as if I was back in your arms. And then the elevator doors opened and in came the smells of the outside world, and with it a healthy dose of reality that you are gone.

Once in a while you take me out to dinner to talk and to keep the farce going that we are still friends. I say farce because I can never just be your friend. I still love you, can't you see that? I sit through our meal, smelling your new perfume and trying to smile and be happy for you as you talk about your newest date. You never seem to notice that my heart breaks every time you mention some other girl.

It is only at home that I let the tears flow, that I wish over and over again that you'd go back to using your old perfume, that you'd come back to me.

But wishing never brings anything so I'm forced to dry my tears. And I do my best to keep my eyes dry and to keep the pain at bay... at least until someone else wearing your perfume passes by, and once again I can pretend you are still mine, Papao ko.

i hate this part right here...

 i hate it when you're doing your best in what you do, without thinking of something in return, yet they give you allegations that is so below the belt... what's wrong with you pipol??? cant you be nice to the world?

heartbreak

to be part of a couple yet feel alone
to reach out and touch no one
to call and not get connected
to write and receive no reply
to ache and get no relief
to need and receive nothing
to call out and not be heard
to love and feel un-reciprocated
to wonder and find no answer

Di Lang Ikaw

I heard this song from the TV Series Rubi. The moment i hear it, I cant help but stop, listen and ponder on lyrics. It became an instant favorite of mine. Juris' voice is perfect for the song. And the song itself, speaks perfectly on what i feel at this point. I downloaded it right away when i got online. Another song for the soundtrack of my life. Here is the lyrics:

Di Lang Ikaw
(Juris Fernandez)

Pansin mo ba ang pagbabago
Di matitigan ang iyong mga mata
Tila hindi na nananabik
Sa ‘yong yakap at halik

Sana’y malaman mo
Hindi sinasadya
Kung ang nais ko ay maging malaya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

Pansin mo ba ang nararamdaman
Di na tayo magkaintindihan
Tila hindi na maibabalik
Tamis ng yakap at halik

Maaring tama ka
Lumalamig ang pagsinta
Sana’y malaman mong ‘di ko sinasadya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

BRIDGE:
Di hahayaang habang buhay kang saktan
Di sasayangin ang iyong panahon
Ikaw ay magiging masaya
Sa yakap at sa piling ng iba

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

to clear the unclear...

You're making choice to live like this,
And all of the noise,
I am Silence.

I said I will keep forgiving you every time and the only time WE would ever come to an end is when YOU give up. BIG MISTAKE. I always did manage to get myself in trouble with my big mouth and impulsive honesty. I've told you time and again... Complacency is the enemy of progress. We haven't moved on from this rut we got ourselves in because the moment things look up for us... the moment I don't complain... you shy back away to your old ways that always always make me feel like crap. Please please. If you can't love me the way you tell me you will, just let me go. You wouldn't do it, would you? I know I couldn't so what the hell... I truly do deserve this crappy crappy feeling of apathy.

We already know how it ends tonight,
You run in the dark through a firefight.
And I would explode just to save your life,
Yeah I would explode.

I'd do anything for you. I'd do anything for love. I already did and still will. No wonder friends think my celebrated intellect is of no use with my love life. You may have an IQ of 200 but Tanga ka, gurl. Tanga ka. I always end up with the wrong guys. Or they always end up with the wrong me. What the world should do is gather all fucked up little girls like me and make us all live in a bubble. We shouldn't be allowed to roam freely and prey on nice young men. Heck, who am I kidding. You're no nice young man. If you were, I tell you... we both wouldn't have to grope in the dark for what to do next. I never was the first in a relationship to give up. Except for that one time but that was a different me. Ginagago na ko, I still hold on. So the mere fact that I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion because of you shows you are more fucking fucked up than I can ever be.

I can’t find a wall to pin this to,
They're all coming down since I've found you.
I just wanna be where you are tonight.

I longed to be beside you in everything you and I do. I was clingy, I knooowww. Those skanks had to pry you free from my cold dead fingers if they wanted to have you for themselves. Then one day, I woke up and realized that if you wanted to be with anyone else, I'm setting you free. Just don't come running back to me and claim yourself to be mine just because you have syphillis. Why did you have to throw everything we've shared and been through? C'mon mann... I can keep blaming you over and over and over and all you have to do is stay away from me and I'd stop bugging you. I can move on, you know. I really can. You just have to push me. Our memories are vanishing one by one in my head now... Just a little help from you and I'd be fine.

I run in the dark looking for some light,
And how will we know if we just don't try,
We won't ever know.

Well. We won't, I suppose. Tssch. I don't think you realized you were appointed to save my life, not totally push it off course. Congrats.