One Night Stand

“I want you”.

The words sound simple enough and the meaning is clear. “I want you” – it denotes possession and claim. Its connotation is even clearer – desire. So simple and yet so complex.

You want my body. It’s as simple as that. You wanted more.

So it happened. And happened again and again and again. And each and every time you came and took and left again with nary a second glance my way. You may give but it was always on your terms and your terms alone. I always got left behind contemplating on the sanity of the situation. I was throwing my better judgment in the wind in search of something that left me feeling - empty.

Empty. I stared at the wall for what seemed like hours after you left and felt – empty. A sacred act that supposedly expresses one’s feelings for one another felt like an orchestrated activity that one just had to do. Step 1: Say Hi! ; Step 2: Kiss; Step 3: Fondle; Step 4: Get on with it; Step 5: Climax. Step 6: Wash and say bye-bye.

I suppose the reason why I kept saying yes was because I was looking for that elusive something. But every single time it happened I always felt the same. Empty.

Love? But I am not in love with you; any more than you are with me. Every time you came I wasn’t the least bit interested on how you lived your life any more than you were with mine. And every time you left I couldn’t care less how you will live your life any more than you care about how I will live mine.

I don’t seek your affection and sweet nothings lovers whisper to each other. Nor do I seek the comfort of your arms for yours are not the one I want.

What then do I want? You? Perhaps. In this world of impermanence, one tries to look for some semblance of connection. Maybe, in those brief moments that we spend together, I can pretend to be cherished by a fellow being, albeit an empty shell like me.

Again, I ask myself, what do I want? Do I want you beyond the function of sating my body? Would I want you to want me beyond the same function?

My mind looks for answers. The wall remains as it is – blank. And like my heart, empty. Tired from the activity that led to my musings, I turn off the lights and sleep – an empty, dreamless sleep.