I think about a lot of things on days that we don’t get to see each other. I kept thinking about you, about me, and about what’s happening to us. I spent long hours thinking about you and about how you’re never happy (or seldom happy, I’m not sure). Hear me out, I’ve got one theory.
You always tell me, you’re independent. You can take care of yourself. You once mentioned that you always cried alone…that you’re sad and that you’re miserable.
Perhaps that’s it, the key to your happiness. Is finding someone whom you can depend on, someone who would take care of you, someone whom you could run to when you want to cry. That someone whom you would let you help carry your bag, or wipe your tears for you, or make you laugh for the silliest things.
As I can see right now, there are loads of people offering their shoulders for you to cry on, offers of protection and security, even love and care (for some there were offers of sex). But that is not the dilemma. It’s you being too scared to take the risk, too scared to trust anyone. Aversion to pain, right? That is completely understandable; I know that for a fact, because I myself just got out of a three-year relationship, you know that. Three long years of my life, it still stings whenever I think about it (but that’s another story for another time). The wound from your past relationship is still fresh, you’ve been single for how long now? I grieved for my one year relationship for almost a year.
But how can you know happiness and feel it if you don’t know sadness? How can you really smile and mean it if you haven’t really cried and felt pain? How will you find out what’s on the other side if you don’t actually stand up and see it for yourself? Life is all about risks. You take a risk and if you fail, move on. If you make it, then thank God. It’s actually simple when we think about it. It’s just a matter of when to take the risk.
It is a good thing that you’re taking small steps to try and get over it…meeting new people, going out, seeing me. And I thank you for that. For spending time with me and taking time to get to know me better among other things. I really appreciate that. Telling me that you care about me, I’m quite flattered. Once in a while I wonder what I did to make you feel that way… I kept asking myself, how did I get so lucky. And of all her admirers why me? Questions I probably would never stop asking.
I’ve grown fond of you in that short time that we’ve known each other. I love spending time with you…I love waking up and finding you beside me (on those few times that I do get some sleep)… I love watching you sleep like a baby after a night of pure bliss…I love strolling at the mall even without touching because just the thought of you there beside me is comforting enough…I love checking my phone when I wake up then finding that you rang mine…I even love receiving your one transmission a day txt message knowing that you thought about me even once during the day.
I’m not saying that I’m the one who can make you happy, that I can give you what you need…that I wouldn’t hurt you. There are things I can’t promise you…Hang-ups do suck big time. But what I can promise you is that I can be there for you. Whenever you need me, ill be there. Sounds cliché but true. When you want to cry, I can wipe your tears for you. When you need someone to carry your bags for you, I can help you carry them. I can try to make you laugh if you want. I could be that constant factor in your life, like your family and your friends. I can be the One who’s always there.
I think I told you that I can see myself falling in love with you…which is actually scaring the hell out of me…because I’m headed that way. Fast.
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