Thursday, March 28, 2013

Nakakapagtataka

It's 47 minutes past 2am when I arrived in our place from a night out with my friends... After drinking a lot, talking a lot of things, serious or not, we finally decided that we can't handle one more bottle of vodka anymore, so we decided to part our ways and go home... For reasons unknown, I didn't fall asleep yet, so I decided to open my laptop and try to play around on the net... When I get connected, I dont know what happened but I just opened the google and started searching for the lyrics of the song below... So i opened this account and decided to post it here, hoping that tomorrow I will know how of all songs, this is the one that caught my attention in my tipsy, and lonely mood... Come tomorrow, I hope I will know the answer... Basta at this moment, ito ang song na naisip ko at ikaw(MATR) ang naiisip ko. Here's the song and its lyrics anyways...

Nakakapagtataka

Walang tigil ang gulo
Sa aking pag-iisip,
Mula nang tayo'y nagpas'yang maghiwalay;
Nagpaalam pagka't hindi tayo bagay,
Nakapagtataka (hoh hoh)

Kung bakit ganito
Ang aking kapalaran;
Di ba't ilang ulit ka nang nagpaalam,
At bawat paalam ay puno nang iyakan?
Nakapagtataka, nakapagtataka

Hindi ka ba napapagod,
O di kaya nagsasawa,
Sa ating mga tampuhang
Walang hanggang katapusan(oh?)

Napahid na'ng mga luha,
Damdamin at puso'y tigang,
Wala nang maibubuga,
Wala na 'kong maramdaman (hoh)
Kung tunay tayong nagmamahalan
Ba't di tayo magkasunduan? (oh hoh hoh)

Walang tigil ang ulan
At nasaan ka araw?
Napano na'ng pag-ibig sa isa't isa?
Wala na bang nananatiling pag-asa?
Nakapagtataka, saan na napunta?

Hindi ka ba napapagod,
O di kaya nagsasawa,
Sa ating mga tampuhang
Walang hanggang katapusan(oh?)

Hindi ka ba napapagod,
O di kaya nagsasawa,
Sa ating mga tampuhang
Walang hanggang katapusan(oh?)

Kung tunay tayong nagmamahalan,
Ba't di tayo magkasunduan, oh hoh ho hoo?
Hmmm...

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Storms in Life






“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what storms are all about.”

- Haruki Murakam

You Never Knew


I stand in front of the sunrise today, filled with awe at the beauty that lies before me. I wish I could have at least an idea of what falls beyond the horizon, just as much as I wish the sea will open up to me and eat me whole. Yet the sea seems to bear a somewhat unexplainable message I couldn’t decode. Something perhaps everybody knows about, something I should have known a long time ago just as much.

I stand here between the sun and the sea, both of which existed since time immemorial. I lay still, nursing my cup of coffee that turned cold, as cold as your heart has become and my pack of cigarettes, as stale as my love for you. The love you never knew existed.

The wind blew right into my face, sending shivers to my spine. It gently flew away my hair that covered the tears that I have unconsciously cried for you. I did not notice how strong the wind has become until I felt it leaving a dry saline line upon my face.

Suddenly, like a dream that has been haunting me in my sleep, I see a familiar event flash right in front of me. I could see myself alone in a room crying till there’s no more tears left to cry, holding on to my pillow that has become my faithful companion in the advent of my trying to put you to oblivion. It has never been easy for me to have always fallen asleep with pillows still soaked with tears as I wake up. Yet, you don’t have the faintest idea of these all, do you? You never knew.

So here I am, escaping from the bondage of you. I am a hundred miles away from the past that I am painstakingly trying to mend. This journey is for the part of me I wish to redeem, for no other reason but to put you all behind me.

These will be the last tears I’ll cry for you. It won’t be easy, I know. But just as the sun that never fails to rise each waking moment of every day and the sea that forever links one landmass to the other, this decision wouldn’t fail me. You will now be just a past worth smiling about as I think of how much I will be capable of loving another, in time. I did love you, you know. To the point of surrender. But then again, you never knew.

You were then my entire universe. Its time you ought to know.

MATR


That was it: I expected something back. I expected something in return, some acknowledgement, anything really. Friendships also come to an end eventually and I’m deeply, deeply sad and sorry that ours has found its end. I didn’t want to go on without ever hearing from you again, but I guess we’re both too tired? You’re too tired to bother, I’m too tired to keep trying… I thought we would overcome everything this time, I really did, for the sake of all the great things that we’ve had together, but someone said “[…] don’t do anything expecting something back, sometimes you just have to accept it’s over and move on […]” or something along those lines. Acceptance doesn’t make it less hard, but I’m accepting, little by little. Sometimes I just miss your laugh when I say something stupid, then I think of it instead of saying it out loud and my heart skips a bit… You’re missed, just so you know if someday it makes any difference.

Monday, March 25, 2013

The World and I

“I’ll never love again…”
“just words… you’ll never stop falling.”
_______________
The world has given and it has taken more and more from me. So i’d like to live and let myself be and remove these lingering thoughts in my head – to run as freely and breathe the worries confining and fettering me. I’d like to cast-off every shadows enfolding my sanity - and get a glimpse of love and of life and simply of eternity.

So if you see me wandering off to a far and distant land, know that my journey is just starting. Don’t turn away but stay for awhile and I will tell you of accountings from a far away place in a far away time when the world is just remembering – how innocent, how pure and sweet everything can be.

Tell this seeker, this wanderer because I’m all the more yearning to find a home for this lonely soul, a home I can find solace. The world has given but it has taken more and more from me.

_________________
“home, I’ll never find home…”
“where your heart is… it is home.”

Kape, Sisig, Yosi at Ikaw


Kape 

We started over coffee, sabi ng isang kanta. At doon nga tayo nagsimula – sa kape. Niyaya mo akong magkape isang hapon. Over cappuccino, nagkuwentuhan tayo. Kung anu-ano lang. Mababaw. Malalim. May kwenta. Wala. Hindi pa ubos ang kape ko pero sabi ko, kailangan ko na umalis. Alam mo bang gumawa lang ako ng excuse para madala ko iyong cup ng tall cappuccino kung saan may nakasulat na pangalan mo? Kasi, itatago ko siya, bilang memento ng una nating pagkakape. Pakiramdam ko kasi, magiging significant sa buhay ko ang araw na iyon.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali.

Nasundan pa ng maraming beses ang pagkakape natin. Hindi ko na nga mabilang sa dami. Madalas, kahit nakapag-kape na ako, kapag nag-yaya kang mag Starbucks, papayag agad ako. Kaya may mga araw na napaparami ako ng kape. Mga araw na hyper ako at walang kapaguran. Mga araw na hindi ako puwedeng gulatin, baka atake sa puso ang aabutin ko. Mga araw na parang may kabayong tumatakbo sa dibdib ko, although baka dahil lang din iyun sa presensiya mo. Mga gabing hindi ako makatulog dahil nasobrahan ako ng kape, at nasobrahan sa iyo.


Sisig

Pork sisig ang inorder ko the first time we had lunch together. At unang beses pa lang kitang nakasama, nasaksihan ko na kung paano ka mag-alaga. Marami na akong nakasabay na mag-lunch pero sa iyo, doon ko lang uli naramdaman na inaasikaso at pinagsisilbihan. Saka, kahit na maraming tao doon sa restaurant na pinagkainan natin, parang tayong dalawa lang ang nandoon.

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ako umorder ng sisig tuwing magkasama tayo. Sisig sa lunch, sisig sa dinner, sisig din ang pulutan kapag nag-iinuman tayo. Sisig nga din ang hinanda ko noong unang beses kitang pinagluto, di ba?

Marami na akong natikman na sisig, pero iyong unang beses na nag-lunch tayo, iyun na yata ang pinakamasarap na sisig na natikman ko.


Yosi

Matagal ko na tinigil ang yosi pero noong makita kitang magyosi noong nag-kape tayo, humingi ako sa iyo. Ang sarap kasi pagsabayin ng yosi at kape. They complement each other.

Kaya sa tuwing magkasama nga tayo, napapayosi na rin ako. At hindi ko na namalayan, bumabalik na naman ako sa addiction ko sa sigarilyo.

Naalala mo iyong isang beses na naiwan mo ang yosi mo sa bahay? Dinala ko ang yosi mo sa opisina. Nagulat ang mga officemates ko noong nakita nilang may isang kaha ako ng yosi. Bakit daw ako nagyoyosi uli. Sinabi ko na yosi mo iyun, inuubos ko lang kasi sayang.

Humirit iyong isa, “Hindi ko yata gusto yang lalakeng iyan para sa iyo… He’s bad for your health.” Hindi ako nakasagot.

Ikaw

Parang eksena sa pelikula kung paano tayo pinagtagpo ng tadhana. Nakakatawa nga eh, nagbabasa ako ng “When God writes your love story” habang may nakasaksak na earphones sa tenga ko noong pag-angat ko ng mukha, nakita kitang dumaan sa harap ko. Nagkatinginan tayo ng ilang segundo pero nilampasan mo lang ako at patuloy ka sa paglakad mo. Ilang hakbang na ang layo mo noong lumingon ka sa akin. Ngumiti ako sa iyo at nilapitan mo ako. Doon na nagsimula ang lahat.

Dumating ka sa buhay ko ng hindi ko inaasahan. Pero sa padating mo, kasabay noon ang pagbago ng mundo ko. Sa kabila ng pagiging abala ko sa maraming bagay, pagdating sa iyo, nasisira lahat ng plano ko. Hindi ko na napapansin ang oras kapag magkasama tayo. At napupuna ko na lang, lagi na kitang hinahahap. Parang hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakikita. At kahit na lagi kitang nakakasama, mawala ka lang sandali sa tabi ko, miss na agad kita.

Lahat na ng kabaduyan, pumapasok sa isip ko kapag naaalala kita.

Mahal na nga yata kita.

Kahit hindi tama.

**************
How can something so wrong feel so right? Iyan ang tanong ko noong minsang matutulog na ako at nakayakap ka sa akin. Mali ito, oo. Pero bakit parang ang sarap-sarap matulog at magising na kayakap ka? It felt so good it seemed right…

Oo, masaya tayo kapag magkasama. Pinapadama mo naman sa akin na mahalaga ako sa iyo. Dalawang beses mo na rin sinabing mahal mo ako pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung hanggang saan tayo makakarating.

Ayaw mo ng commitment hindi ba? Malinaw ang usapan natin sa simula pa lang. Sinabi mo kasi, ayaw mo makasakit ng ibang tao. Kaya okay na iyong ganito. Hindi mo nga lang alam, nasasaktan mo na rin ako. Kasi, unti-unti na akong nahuhulog sa iyo, kahit hindi ko alam kung ano ang lugar ko sa buhay mo.

Bakit kasi kailangan pa maging komplikado ang sitwasyon natin?

**************
Bakit kaya kahit alam natin na nakakasama sa atin ang isang bagay, tinutuloy pa rin natin? Marami ang may gusto ng sisig, kahit na “bad for the heart.” Nakaka-cancer ang pagyoyosi, at nakaka-palpitate ang kape, pero na-a-adik pa rin tayo dito. Bakit? Kasi iba ang pakiramdam na nabibigay ng yosi at kape. Iba ang saya ng dulot ng pagkain ng sisig. Kaya kahit masama, kahit alam natin sisingilin tayo ng katawan natin sa panandaliang kaligayahan na iyon, tinutuloy pa rin natin. Kasi sa kasalukuyan, masaya tayo.

Parang ikaw… alam ko na hindi ka nakakabuti sa akin. Alam ko na in the long run, masasaktan lang ako sa iyo. Pero bakit habang maaga pa, hindi ako umiiwas? Kasi sa ngayon, napapasaya mo ako. Napupunan mo ang ilang taong pagkukulang sa buhay ko. At pinapadama mo sa akin ang mga bagay na akala ko noon, hindi na darating sa akin.

Ikaw ang sisig, yosi at kape ng buhay ko. Hindi ko maiwas-iwasan, hindi ko kayang tanggihan, kahit na alam ko na iisa lang naman ang patutunguhan nito – sakit sa puso. 
- Obra ni Noringai ng Peyups...

Friday, March 22, 2013

A Thought of You

I think about a lot of things on days that we don’t get to see each other. I kept thinking about you, about me, and about what’s happening to us. I spent long hours thinking about you and about how you’re never happy (or seldom happy, I’m not sure). Hear me out, I’ve got one theory.

You always tell me, you’re independent. You can take care of yourself. You once mentioned that you always cried alone…that you’re sad and that you’re miserable.

Perhaps that’s it, the key to your happiness. Is finding someone whom you can depend on, someone who would take care of you, someone whom you could run to when you want to cry. That someone whom you would let you help carry your bag, or wipe your tears for you, or make you laugh for the silliest things.

As I can see right now, there are loads of people offering their shoulders for you to cry on, offers of protection and security, even love and care (for some there were offers of sex). But that is not the dilemma. It’s you being too scared to take the risk, too scared to trust anyone. Aversion to pain, right? That is completely understandable; I know that for a fact, because I myself just got out of a three-year relationship, you know that. Three long years of my life, it still stings whenever I think about it (but that’s another story for another time). The wound from your past relationship is still fresh, you’ve been single for how long now? I grieved for my one year relationship for almost a year.

But how can you know happiness and feel it if you don’t know sadness? How can you really smile and mean it if you haven’t really cried and felt pain? How will you find out what’s on the other side if you don’t actually stand up and see it for yourself? Life is all about risks. You take a risk and if you fail, move on. If you make it, then thank God. It’s actually simple when we think about it. It’s just a matter of when to take the risk.

It is a good thing that you’re taking small steps to try and get over it…meeting new people, going out, seeing me. And I thank you for that. For spending time with me and taking time to get to know me better among other things. I really appreciate that. Telling me that you care about me, I’m quite flattered. Once in a while I wonder what I did to make you feel that way… I kept asking myself, how did I get so lucky. And of all her admirers why me? Questions I probably would never stop asking.

I’ve grown fond of you in that short time that we’ve known each other. I love spending time with you…I love waking up and finding you beside me (on those few times that I do get some sleep)… I love watching you sleep like a baby after a night of pure bliss…I love strolling at the mall even without touching because just the thought of you there beside me is comforting enough…I love checking my phone when I wake up then finding that you rang mine…I even love receiving your one transmission a day txt message knowing that you thought about me even once during the day.

I’m not saying that I’m the one who can make you happy, that I can give you what you need…that I wouldn’t hurt you. There are things I can’t promise you…Hang-ups do suck big time. But what I can promise you is that I can be there for you. Whenever you need me, ill be there. Sounds cliché but true. When you want to cry, I can wipe your tears for you. When you need someone to carry your bags for you, I can help you carry them. I can try to make you laugh if you want. I could be that constant factor in your life, like your family and your friends. I can be the One who’s always there.

I think I told you that I can see myself falling in love with you…which is actually scaring the hell out of me…because I’m headed that way. Fast.

Friday, March 15, 2013

yung pinakamasarap

yung di sinasabi
pero nararamdaman,


yung walang singsing
pero kuntento,


yung walang sumpaan
pero walang iwanan,


at yung walang titulo
.... pero alam mong iyo...

For an Old Dear Friend

If I have known then what I know now, would it have changed the course of my life?

I am bound to believe it will not. We are what we choose to become. I will not let anyone, much less an aspiring psychology professor, define what I am based on a number I can't make sense of.

We choose the paths we take. I choose who to love and how I will love : unconditionally.

I have been burned too much when I made the mistake of giving a promise of conditional love. I know that that is not how I want to live. I don't want to live on compromises. And I know you don't want to, either.

"When I am thirty and I am not yet with anyone else. Only then." Do you remember that? I would have kept my promise if you held me to it.

But sometimes, life has a way of letting us see beyond what we care to look at. You have made your choice. I made mine.

And I am extremely happy with what I chose. I hope you are with yours, too.

Why the World Doesn't Need Superman

by Lois Lane

Metropolis. For five long years the world has stared into the sky, waiting, hoping and praying for his return. We’ve spent our days asking where he went, debating why he left and wondered is he even alive. Perhaps he left us for another world, a world in peril, a world in greater need of a saviour. Is it selfish to desire him for ourselves? Are we expected to share the man we’ve come to love or did we do something wrong?

Did we take him for granted? Perhaps we did. Maybe we all did, it's not our fault. We are far from super. Yet a mother will accept her children regardless of their misfortunes. Why have you rejected us for ours? Perhaps we’re a lost cause unworthy of help and doomed to continue on a path of self-destruction. He has moved on, helping others with a foreseeable future of peace and harmony. From the first day he mysteriously appeared we were enamoured. He seemed too good to be true. A man who could fly, see through walls, bend steel with his bare hands. A man who never lied. A man who could do anything he wanted to yet he chose to be a hero.

He chose to fight for truth, justice and the American way, And we chose to believe. we put our
faith, not in the hands of God, but in the hands of another. Lives were not saved by any kind of
divine intervention, miracle or act of God. they were saved by one man, and one man only, our
Superman. We didn’t question his intentions and other than a few basic facts. We didn't question
his unbelievable origins. When did he actually arrive? Where did he live? Where did he get that
suit? It didn't matter. He was good, and good for us and that was enough. A new generation of children have grown up idolising this hero, proud to wear a cape and run around the family home.

We welcome Superman into our homes and family. He was a quintessential American. A role
model for our children and the guardian of their lives. Does a hero walk out on his family? Walk
away from his children?

After letting us place our hopes on him, his disappearance must be seen nothing short of abandonment. A dereliction of duty. No better that a parent abandoning a child, a doctor walking out on their patient. We must ask ourselves if Superman returned would we welcome him back?
Could he heal the scars he left behind? The city is in pain, its citizens angry, hurt and unforgiving.
We have learned from our bad judgement, and we are not prepared to make the same mistake
again. It would take more than one man to reunite the people. He is lost our trust, he betrayed us. He turned his us back on us and walked away. We would have to question his motives for his
return. Why after all this time he would return? From the very beginning we labelled him as a man.
We even used the word it his titled - Superman.

Yet he was not a man. He was not even human. We expected an alien to share the same feelings, emotions, beliefs and principles. Were the words truth and justice a second language to him? Perhaps, we were fools to believe he would understand the true meaning of words such as trust, loyalty or love. What is a hero anyway? Does one has to have superpowers, special abilities or incredible talent to be a considerable one? Well that's what we’ve been led to believe. Superman led us to forget our real heroes. What happened to the firemen, policemen, teachers, social workers or local figure that used to be considered a hero in our communities?

Each and every day of the year, firemen come to the rescue of those in need. They are brave
woman and men who serve communities with courage and uncompromising devotion to humanity.
These people are not just doing their job, they are the heroes who take each task to heart and
each life saved is a victory for their team. Because of their selfless bravery and heroism, many
fire-fighters sacrifice their own lives to save others every day. Their actions will never be
forgotten. In cities, towns and villages around the world, legions of teachers spend every day protecting the minds, souls and spirits of children. They commit their lives to the development of
the world’s most precious resource. A child's mind thirsts for knowledge. It is this knowledge, the
knowledge imparted to the youth that has given rise to the great man and women of history.
Knowledge gave birth to civilisations and is the foundation of nations including America. Teachers
strive daily with little recognition to help each child become the best they can. Teachers are
heroes, our future lies in their hands. These are examples of every day men and women. Men and women who are heroes.

Superman was not just a hero. Superman was a superhero. Why isn’t he living up to his name? He was so much more that a mere mortal. Imagine a future with this superhero. A future that was
stolen from us. The world welcomed Superman with open arms and why wouldn't we? Day after
day we saw the effect he was having. Crime plummeted, natural disasters were prevented, the
impossible became possible. What was more remarkable and often overlooked, was that he wasn't just saving peoples lives, he was changing them. He gave us hope, he set an example and over the years we started following that example whether we realised it or not. Wars stopped, all
political, religious feuds set aside, even volunteering and charitable donations increased.

For the first time in history we saw the closest thing mankind could call peace. And to think it took
an alien to show us what it meant to be human. Unfortunately the one thing that reduces a miracle
to the mundane is a world full of them. Once everything is special, nothing is special. In a world
where he would suddenly appear to save someone from a fire or divert a flood, there were no
miracles. We stopped looking both ways to cross the street. We didn't have to because if a car
was about to hit us odds were that he would zip at the last moment and save us. Soon we didn't even remember how to look both ways. We lost our survival instincts. We became careless, which
wouldn't have really been a problem, but then he left. Just as mysteriously he appeared he was
gone, without warning, without explanation.

We looked to the sky and for the first time in years no one was there. Some panicked thinking the worst had finally come to pass and someone has finally discovered a weakness and exploited it.
Others held steadfast believing that his sudden absence must have a logical explanation. Perhaps
this was a test. Maybe he was watching from above and gauging our reaction. Hundreds, if not
thousands of ideas and theories sprang from every expert and government official but no answer
could satisfy us. Maybe there was no answer. Maybe he’s just…gone.

In fact maybe it’s better that he is gone. How can we be expected to appreciate the good without
the bad? Through suffering do we not gain strength? Having relied on an almost omnipotent
saviour for years, we’ve forgotten how to rely on ourselves. He gave us strength, but with it,
weakness. In his absence, we must learn to unite and find strength in one another. We must look
not to the skies, instead we must look inside ourselves to find trust, love and friendship for one
another.

Peace is our champion, not a Man of Steel. Alas! Crime has skyrocketed, stocks plummeted and
old wars have been rekindled. The peace he inspired over the years, seemed to end overnight,
replaced by fear, confusion and betrayal. Even worse problems once held by our own, now seem
insurmountable without his help.

It is one year today that we witnessed one of the worst train disaster in recent history. Among the
236 dead, were 28 school children and a pregnant mother. The nation's press release said that all
that was left was a mangled mess of metal and bodies. Recovery workers and civilians united and
worked around the clock, in the hope of finding just one survivor, if any. But hope was given up,
when 12 hours later they could raise no sound. The train left a huge gorge in the suburban
landscape where now stands a tribute to those who died in the wreckage. Among those attending today’s memorial service, is the husband and father of a deceased mother and their unborn child.
To this day he is haunted by the memories of the past. Through his suffering he speaks the voice
of many Americans: How could he let this happen? Curse you Superman...

These words echo amongst the people, reaching the far corners of the globe. In five years we
have seen the oceans rise and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent men, women and children
throughout Asia. We have seen civil wars destroy cities throughout the world and religious feuds
wipe our nations. Let the colour of Superman’s cape remind us of the innocent people who have
died for it is their blood that is on his hands. In the past we have turned to God, in times of need
we prayed. For five years we have prayed for you Superman, “please bring back our Messiah.” The nation knelt before the altar and begged for your return. We were blinded by your arrival, our
faith misguided.

For many of us, Superman became our God. We only had to read the motto on our nations
currency to be reminded of the truth – In God We Trust. These words passed between our hands
countless times a day, yet we still managed to forget. We put our trust, not in God, but in
Superman – In Superman We Trust. We trusted you, we all trusted you…I trusted you. Does he
feel remorse, guilt or shame? Does he simply not care? Perhaps the people of Earth are but a
distant memory, a single snapshot lost in a mind that is timeless.

Does he cry for the children who have died on his watch? Perhaps he really is a Man of Steel –
cold, emotionless and hardened by his own immortality. Would he say sorry?

Ultimately we are better off without him. It is true, we will come to endure hardship in his absence.
We will see more famine, environmental disasters, crime, wars and bloodshed. But what is also
true, is that the people of America will always, without falter, and without abandoning their posts,
continue to strive for truth, justice and the American way. Leaving the fate of humanity in the
hands of one man would have been a terrible mistake. If we don’t learn to settle our grievances on
our own we are doomed anyway. We became dependent on someone unreliable, in fact he did us a favor by leaving. Now we can learn to fend for ourselves, learn to work out our differences
regardless of whether they are based on race, creed, gender or political view.

Ultimately we will unite and establish peace around the globe. If Superman had stayed we would
never accomplish this. Under the surface there would have remained traces of a corrupt society, a
seed that would grow if it wasn’t for Superman’s cape blocking the sunlight. Now that he is gone,
the seed is left to grow, yet there is hope. For like a rose, we always see the thorns before the
flower. We will blossom and when we do, we will have done it alone, we will have a world united.

People have always longed for God, messiahs and saviors to swoop down from the sky and
deliver them from their troubles but in the end these saviors always leave and we are faced with
the same troubles that were here from the beginning. We wait for our saviour’s return though it will
never happen and we realize it was better had he never come at all.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Let Me In

You are unique.

Your uniqueness is the product of your circumstances. It’s what makes you who you are. It’s what makes you endlessly fascinating.

And “endlessly fascinating” is one of my weaknesses. Everyone who knows me, really knows me. I get off in finding out what makes a person tick. I’d like to get my hands dirty in searching through the garbage of circumstances that makes a person interesting. And once I get an opportunity to pick a person apart, I just railroad through it. I wanted to know more. I needed to know more.

You have let me in. I did not have to force my way in. You graciously invited me in. But once invited in, it will be your undoing. And like a virus invading a host, I slowly made my way into your system, creeping unnoticeably, invading every aspect of your social circle. And it’s only a matter of time before one of us wins out. Either you build your resistance or I admit I cannot follow through with my bluff and back down.

And just when the game is getting interesting, you vanished off the face of the earth. It’s like you were never even there. Exactly what I was hoping to happen.

Because you see, I was at the end of my play. I was about to call off my bluff.

So I guess none of us wins.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

He is Everything...

He is everything.

I love his face. I love his smile. His smile always makes me smile too. I love the way his eyes sparkle whenever he thinks of something mischievous to do or to say. I love his hair, though not to soft from too much gel and crazy hair products, I love running my fingers through each short tendril. I love how his hair smells so damn good as if he just took a bath. I love how he looks like he's just woken up from some bizarre party and is still stoned. He either looks like he's too giddy from hallucinogens or that he's just woken up and has a terrible hangover. I love the way he looks at me as if he's forever teasing me for being me. As if he knows what I'm thinking and what I'm about to do.

I love his hands, those hands I know so well. I love his scent, the way I could still smell him even when he's already miles away from me. I love the way he looks stupid and awkward, with his tall, lanky frame and his poor posture. I love the way his clothes hang onto him like they were made to be worn by someone as thin as he is. I love his voice that always reassures me everything is going to be alright.

I love his unpredictable mood swings. Sometimes he's too jolly and too hyper and so everywhere. And sometimes he's locked himself up in a place only he could go to. I love his generosity and carefree attitude about life. I could safely say I learned to be less inhibited because of him. I love the way he scolds me about being a commitment-phobe when he isn't aware that he's the biggest commitment-phobic I know. I love how he thinks everything would fall into place even if they don't. I love his passion for things I don't understand. I love the way he loves the people around him, how he gives them importance and warmth. I love the way he loves his car, oh God, how could I begin to explain how much he loves his car? I love how he thinks of himself as a nobody, when in fact, he's pretty much popular and well-liked. I love how he takes his responsibilities seriously, how he manages to be a good friend, a good son and a good person all at the same time.

I love the way he gets mad at me for petty things. How he gets jealous of other people that he thinks 'might take me away' from him. I love the way he tells me how I'm the pinaka-stupid person he knows, when we both know [and without bragging] that I'm helluva lot smarter than him when it comes to academics. I love how he frowned upon knowing I discovered the joys of DJMix and the fact that he scolded me for an eternity when he found out. I love the way he lets me scream at him all I want and he never gets mad. I love how he tells me to stop drinking when he himself is a walking beer keg. I love the fact that he calls at unholy hours of the day, each day just to make sure I'm still alive. I love how he used to drop by any time of the day or of the night.. or come to think of it, any time at all, just to say hi and make me coffee because I'm too stupid to make one for myself. I still love the fact that he attempts to come over even if he's no longer allowed to.

I love the fact that we could sit beside each other or lie down together and not say anything but understand everything.

I love a lot more things about him. I love him for what he is and what he's not.

He is everything.

Oh, yes...

He is everything....






....but mine.