Understanding Eponine of Les Miserables

Her life was cold and dark, yet she was unafraid...

“And by the way, Monsieur Marius, I believe that I was a little bit in love with you.” – Eponine, Les Miserables

When it comes to unrequited love, the plight of Honey and Clover’s Yamada Ayumi  can’t hold a candle to the tragedy of Les Miserables’ Eponine.

From wikipedia: Éponine, knowing that Marius is trying to find “that girl” (Cosette), tells Marius that she knows where Cosette lives, hoping to impress him and make him happy. When she reminds him that he promised to give her something in return for finding Cosette, he offers her his last five-franc coin. Éponine sadly lets the coin fall to the ground, saying she does not want his money; Marius thinks little of it. Marius visits Cosette several times, and each time Éponine goes with him and waits outside the garden.

Éponine puts her hand, and her body, in front of the musket, and the musket ball enters her, saving Marius’ life. Marius does not think much of it, and it is not until later that he recognizes her, when she is lying at his feet. He cradles her and she begs him to comfort her. She reveals that Gavroche is her brother, and also says that she cannot lie to him, and gives him a letter that Cosette gave to her a day earlier for Marius. She asks that he kiss her on the forehead when she dies, and then with her dying breath, Éponine confesses her love for him, saying, “And then, do you know, Monsieur Marius, I believe I was a little in love with you.”

The Eponine I have come to love is a hybrid of the book Eponine and the musical Eponine. I love how they portrayed Eponine in the musical. She was strong of character and independent. Definitely a foil to Cosette’s innocent character. I don’t think there’s ever been a story of unrequited love more piercing than that of Eponine.

Her character effectively portrayed feelings of being unloved and it was so real.  Her selfishness (she made Marius promise her “anything” if she would show him where to find Cosette, but eventually lead him to her without asking for anything), her jealousy (she initially did not want to deliver Cosette’s message for Marius/Marius to Cosette but she did anyway), her fantasies (“on my own, pretending he’s beside me”) and frustration (“I love him, but only on my own”, “One more day with him not caring“, “He was never mine to lose”), her feelings of being ugly (Eponine aged by sorrows looked old for her age, and was missing a tooth. “You thought me ugly, didn’t you?” she told Marius on her deathbed), her spite and her sacrifice (she lead Marius to the barricade, so they may die together, but eventually caught a bullet for him) — all of these are feelings found in every soul who loves without being loved in return. This is true, regardless of whether you are rich or poor or bourgeoisie or whether you have abusive parents, perhaps even if you’re slightly crazy. This is how unrequited love feels.

She was always torn between giving in to her emotions, and choosing the happiness of the man she loved. But her love was strong, and she always chose the latter. Considering she isn’t supposed to have any kindness in her based on how she grew up and lived her life, considering how selfish and resentful she is, it’s amazing she still managed to choose love. Such strong feelings. I admire her.

Her ending was slightly happier in the musical compared to the book. In the book, she was in pain after getting shot, and she suffered so much as she spent the last of her breath trying to get close to Marius, to give him Cosette’s letter, and so she could die in his arms. She was so pitiful, especially since Marius thought nothing of her at all. At least in the musical, Marius gave her a bit of love (“If I could close your wounds with words of love…” ) and held her as she died.
Eponine is my hero. I cry manly tears at A little fall of rain. I wish I could be as strong as her, and against all odds still choose the happiness of the man I love. - The Joyce of Living

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I fell in love with him but I knew I had to let him go.  I had to let go of what I had for him because one, he doesn’t feel the same way; two, his happiness isn’t with me; and three, I had to move on.

A couple of weeks back, I was made to choose between what I love right now and my future.  Of course, I chose my future.  Letting go of what I love best right now came alongside with letting go of the one person I love.  I had to let him know how I felt for him before I leave.  I owed that to him, at least, and I thought that he deserved to know.  And so I wrote him a letter telling him everything.  I told him that I wasn’t expecting anything in return…  that I just wanted him to know… and that my laying all my cards down on the table only meant one thing – that I was letting go.  He has read my letter and I haven’t heard anything from him since. 

A part of me wishes that I have let go and a part of me dreads the day when I will.  But in general, it doesn’t matter so much to me because giving him the letter (with a little token of our friendship) was closure enough for me. It’s crazy because I woke him up in the middle of the night just to give him the letter. And even though I fell in love with him all over again when I saw his smile after I woke him up, I knew that I was free from the chains that bound me to him or from the love that I felt for him.  I’m telling you, I slept a whole lot better that night. 

I laid all my cards on the table with that letter.  It’s a huge risk but it was worth taking.  I won’t be a hypocrite and say that I don’t love, or care for, him anymore because I still do but I know that I am ready to move on with my life.  I know I won’t be stuck with wishing for him to feel the same way for me.  I’m now ready to live my life a day at a time and I know that I’ll wake up one morning and be completely over him.  Even though people always say that the most painful love is the love that never was, I’m not hurting in any way because for me, it’s enough that he knows I love him.  I’m even thankful that our paths crossed and that I found strength in loving him the way I do.  I strongly disagree with the cliché that says that letting go of a person meant loving the person twice as much.  Letting go of him or of what I felt for him only meant that I was mature enough to accept what wasn’t mine to begin with.  It was accepting the fact that he would be happy without me and that I could go on living without him.  And as to end this essay, I will leave with you a text/quote I received a few days back…

“It’s hard to hold on to something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of.  You just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while some good things never last, some don’t even start.” 

Three Words

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I love you”, with its history of being an accomplice to lies, with its bad reputation as a myth. What is “I love you” but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair? “I love you” is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway. “I love you” is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you’re not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays, worth their weight in gold. “I love you” has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall. “I love you” is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. “I love you” is what you use when you want to be unfair, when you want to deliberately hurt. “I love you” throws the whole equation in chaos, unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I want you”, with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically. “I want you” is what spoiled brats say, it’s what selfish bitches say, it’s what horny boys say. “I want you” is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes. “I want you” is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell, by touch, by the look of rawness in another person’s eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I need you”, with its childish, clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances. “I need you” leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect. “I need you” is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battlecry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it. But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It’s the irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.

The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are “I miss you”. This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, “I miss you”, and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction. Unlike “I love you” and the lies that go along with it, “I miss you” is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don’t have to mean it in a big way to really mean it. Unlike “I want you” and its expectations, “I miss you” offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return. Unlike “I need you” and its desperate whines, “I miss you” stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.

“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change. The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”. And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms.

And that’s why I miss you, because you’re not here, and because every time I think about you, that’s all that I think. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can’t wait until you come home. - carvaggio of peyups.com

A New Direction

And I'm referring to my latest assignment, my first for 2013, and that is to collaborate with one of my fellow teachers, Ma'am Naids Jaculbe and direct the 2013 edition of our school's Junior-Senior Promenade. This is my second time to do so, and unlike the first one, I can give inputs to the best that I can this time. What excites me the most is the fact that a few of my "apple of the eye" will be joining this year, so it should be something special... :-) Hahahaha, actually in everything that I do, I always give my 101%, it's just this one is special, so it has to be extra perfect, if you know what I mean...

With a little over a month of preparation, I started selecting my background music. I am thinking of having an upbeat music for the candle and rose ceremony to keep the students alive while doing it... So I browse the web and come across with a very good musician(violinist) Nick Kwas, who plays the some of the latest RnB in violin. I might be using some of them, like the one below. Obviously, I fallen for Nick the first time I saw him in youtube. He's very cute, and very talented. Most of his music is played by just listening, not listening a single music sheet. Very impressive... And did I mention, he is so cute... gosh, I will never get tired listening to him... Here's one of his music.

Love

“Believe it or not, I do not want to indulge myself on love.”

Hah! Such strong statement there, eh?!

Of course, I have my own reasons why I have that statement in mind. As I may have written in one of my entries, I have my share of love stories in the past. And mine were not the “ideal” kind of relationships a simple girl would/could ever dream of. My stories are rather exceptional and are known only to people who are very close to me. So, if you have a crystal clear idea of what I am trying to say here, well then,close friends tayo!

For me, love is a not a game to be played. Love is and always will be a serious thing. Love is such a strong word. People would rarely hear me say those 3 divine words. And when I say them, it only means one thing… I am dead serious of what I feel.

Love entails a lot of things. Happiness. Companionship. Acceptance. Commitment. Responsibility. Sacrifice. It gives a person a sense of belongingness. It allows a person to do things unexpectedly and lets that person do things unselfishly. Love gives an unexplainable feeling of sensation.

Love has its drawbacks though. Pain. Hurt. Resentment. Heartache. Most of the time, it leaves a person devastated. Sometimes, it makes a person feel so low, wasted and so damn worthless. But these things actually make love more valuable and make a person stronger. Somehow, these drawbacks turn a person to be an expert on love and makes people understand love a little bit more… in a hard way though.

But how ever which way we think about it, love is such a wonderful thing.

Being involved with someone without love is such a useless feeling. Yes, I have tried this once some years back and it’s not a nice feeling. I only felt emptiness. It was just a waste of time… such a waste of my precious time! And I promised myself to never do that again… not in this lifetime. Anyhow, it’s also good to have experienced such thing. It further confirmed my thoughts and ideas on love.

I don’t want to indulge myself on love simply because I don’t want to play with my emotions. I don’t want to put my heart on the line. Yes, I’m no risk taker. I want to stay in my comfort zone. I want to keep myself intact first before I enter the complicated world called love. Because when I fall in love, I just don’t give my heart to certain person… I give my whole being. I give him my present and my future. I give him all of me.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m overly careful not to experience those negative things love brings. I’m too darn afraid to feel pain, suffering, resentment and heartbreak. But despite this I-really-don’t-want-to-indulge-myself-on-love mindset, my heart is in fact open for a new love… IT ALWAYS IS.

- by Winkie's

A thought from the heart

I tried to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I didn't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out, and tell you how I feel - like how I miss you, how I love you, and how I need you in my life. But those words may forever stay in my heart, locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside your too, but i'll never know. And you will never know that you are my world...

What Life is All About

LIFE isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the colour of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But LIFE is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about TRUST, HAPPINESS, and COMPASSION. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with LOVE. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. 

These choices are what life's about. --from Nike Ad

Bittersweet Truth About You

I often ask myself why I'm so into you. But it would just turn out that I haven't got a single clue. 

I start everyday, not with a prayer, but with a vow that I'll avoid you. But I end up avoiding the shadow of my own conscience coz for the nth time now, I failed to evade you. 

You were there when I woke up. You were there when I slept. You were there when I closed my eyes to take a nap on my breaks. You were there when the rain fell on me and got my face all wet. 

Sometimes I blame you for haunting me but I wake up to the truth that there's no one here but me. Then I know I'd be hurting myself once more coz I can't bear a moment without any YOU in my horizon. 

It's such a sweet torment on my part and though the pain is piling in, there's no way I could just walk out. 

Your words come into my head and I couldn't knock even some little sense in it once you begin your attack. One mintue I'm mad at you then after a serene conversation, I realize that you have painted yet another minute smile in my weary visage. 

Another split second passes me by and another batch of cascades escape from my core. It is not an easy task to forgive and then forget you. It never was and never will it be. 

I try to run away from your oblivion and make you believe that I am here– no bigger than an ant– wanting you to feel even just a little emotion, in return for the enormous sentiment I am keeping inside me. Man is indeed a hypocrite when he said that in loving, there is never a need of getting something in return. Because in my case, that is the biggest lie. 

Can you see me? I am here. Eternally feeling for you– falling for you. can you not sympathize to my lowly being and offer me even the littles compassion you can bestow? 

Tonight, I shall end the day with another setting of sun. I shall sleep in a bed of thorns and bleed in the agony of my creation. I shall close my eyes and revere in the mystique of your lair. For tonight, like every other night where I lay to rest my somnolent soul, I shall see your face amidst the dark and succumb to the immortal vision of you and me, breathing one air, under one skyuntil I tirew my heart to satisfaction. 

Come tomorrow, I shall wake up to see a brand new day and start it, not with a prayer, but with a vow that I'll avoid you. And once again, find myself asleep to dream of you.

.:: beginning today ::.

Beginning today i will no longer worry about yesterday... it is in the past and the past will never change... only i can change by choosing to do so...

Beginning today i will no longer worry about tomorrow... tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it.. i cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today...

Beginning today i will look in the mirror and i will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration... this capable person looking back at me is someone i enjoy spending time with and someone i would like to get to know better...

Beginning today i will cherish each moment of my life... i value the gift bestowed upon me in this world and i will unselfishly share this gift with others...

Beginning today i will make a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel in the mysteries i encounter... i will face challenges with courage and determination... i will overcome what barriers there maybe which hinder my quest for growth and self improvement.

Beginning today i will take the life one day at a time, one step at a time... discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image, my desire to suceed or my capacity to love...

Beginning today i walk with renewed faith in human kindness... regardless of what has gone before... i believe there is hope for a brighter and better future...

Beginning today i will open my mind and my heart... i will welcome new experiences... i will meet new people... i will not expect perfection form myself nor anyone else: perfection does not exist in an imperfect world... but i will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles...

Beginning today i am responsible for my own happiness and i will do things that make me happy... admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music, pet a puppy, soak in a bubble bath... PLEASURE, can be found in the most simple of gestures...

Beginning today i will learn something new; i will try something different; i will savour all the variou flavors life has to offer... i will change what i can and the rest i will let go...

"i will strive to become the best me i can possibly be..."

On Love and Commitment

The most important, most critical component in successful loving is commitment. Not love. It's easy to love without commitment. People do it all the time. Easy to love, to give of oneself for a while. But commitment implies bonding in such a way that one promises to keep the fires of love burning indefinitely. It also means shutting one's heart to the possibility of loving another who might even be more attractive, even more lovable. Not easy. This is why solid commitments are not at all as common as we are led to believe. In fact, more often than not, I think that the commitment two lovers make are not equal. What I mean is that the commitment of one might be a whole lot more or a whole lot less than the partner's.

We see it all the time. One loves more than the other and is more committed than the other. It is false to believe that two lovers love each other to the same degree. We have often seen lopsided love relationships where one partner is giving so much more to the relationship than the other. But writers and poets seem to always indicate that love isn't just a two-way street, but an equal two-way street. That hardly ever happens. It is impossible to determine exactly how much a man loves a woman or how much a woman cares for a man. Love cannot be measured and that can be a huge problem. You can love someone and tell him "I love you" and you're telling the truth. But how much do you love him? Enough to let him court you? Enough to marry him? Enough to die for him?

The greatest test of true love is commitment. And the greatest indicator of deep love is deep commitment. There can be no doubting this. I have heard people say all the right words, make all the right moves and pledge undying love, only to walk away weeks or months later. Were they in love? Sure they were. But not enough to allow them to hold strong in their love. Not enough to keep a commitment regardless of the pain. A lover gets this sinking feeling when there is a sense that one is more committed than the other. When one is giving a lot more than one is receiving. When one's love is a lot more solid than the creaky love of the partner. When a couple believes strongly that their commitment to each other is rock solid, there is a deep sense of security, a feeling that it's OK to give all because the gift of yourself is safe in the hands of the beloved.

If, however, there is doubt or, even worse, the conviction that one is engaged in one-way giving, in a one-way commitment that is lopsided, then there is a tendency to pull back and not give as much. And when that happens, love begins to fade. In the countless counseling sessions I have had with troubled couples over the years, there has always been the problem of a failing commitment on the part of at least one of the partners. Unless there is the raising of the level of commitment, the relationship is doomed. It's finished. Sooner or later the stress will take their toll and the relationship will begin to fall apart. On the other hand, look carefully at lovers who are still very much in love after 20, 25 years. Their commitment to each other cannot be shaken. Neither can their love.