Some Good Things Never Last

So this is how it feels to be at the receiving end of goodbye.

I used to be the one to walk away. I used to be the one to leave whenever I think things aren't working out anymore.

If I knew how it felt to be left behind, I wouldn't have said goodbye that easily before. I never really knew it could hurt this much. I never really knew it could be this hard. I never really knew I could feel so much emptiness inside. The term heavy heart never really meant something to me till now.

I wish I could say I understand you. Maybe in a some ways I do understand you. I understand what you're undergoing right now. But what I really don't understand is why you have to push me away. I would have been there for you through the rough times. I would have sailed the rough seas with you. I would have helped you carry the burden. Only if you asked me to. Only if you let me.

I don't understand you. You say you love me, and yet you're leaving. And before you argue with me that you're not leaving, well, it feels like leaving to me. You said you want me to be happy. But can't you see I'm happy with you?

I don't get it. I don't get it at all. Why don't you just say you're not happy with me anymore? Why don't you just say you don't love me anymore? Why don't you just say you want to go back to her? I would've understood you then. It would hurt me, yes, but I would have understood then. At least there's a valid reason. At least I would know why you have to throw this love I'm willing to give you. Why don't you just tell me the truth instead of giving me lame excuses? I can take the truth. I may not seem strong to you, but I am. Sure, I would've cried like hell for a month. But I could pick up the pieces soon enough. Why couldn't you just give me the naked truth instead of leaving me so helpless right now? Helpless because I don't know why you have to leave.

But, if there's one thing I've learned in my years of existence, is that, you cannot make love stay if it doesn't want to. So, yeah, I'm giving you all the space you need because that's what you asked me. I'm giving you that time you say you need to think.

And no, I'm not leaving. I'll be here. I'll just be here waiting for you. Waiting for the time you had straightened the things that you need to fix. You say you're scared that once you leave, and decided to come back, that I won't be here anymore. You need not be scared, you know. There's this one line from one of my favorite songs, that goes "I wish I could say there'll be someday, I could crawl down on my knees to ask her back again..." In your case, you don't even need to crawl. Just open your arms towards me and I'll come running to you.

I wonder why you have this much impact in my life. I wonder why you're the only guy to strip away my pride. What is it with you? Why do you have this much power over me?

There's only one thing I ask of you. Please be fair to me. And please understand why I don't want you to call me just yet. Please be fair. Like I said to you, call me when you're ready. And not before. And please, don't keep me hanging.

And if you don't come back... then I'll just say thank you then. Thank you for the memories I've had with you. Thank you that in just a few short months, you made me happy. Too bad it can't last. Thank you for letting me get to know the man that you are. Thank you for the friendship, short-lived as it was, I learned a lot from you. And thank you, even for a short while, I had arms to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with, ears who listened, and I had you.

***
Now I don't know anymore if I am ready to take him back if he asks me. I don't want to get my heart broken again. I don't want to undergo one hell week again. Bottom line, I'm scared because he has the power to hurt me over and over again.

reality bites

a lot of US have built DREAMS with people we hope be with us FOREVER...

only to wake up on the WORLD of REALITY that NOTHING is PERMANENT in this world...


LOVE Comes and Goes...
PEOPLE Stay and Leave...

LIFE is a cycle of Finding and Losing...
of Making and Breaking...
of Living and Dying...

That's how REALITY BITES!!!

Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood

When we went to see Robin Hood yesterday, I wasn’t expecting a lot. Ridley Scott may be Ridley Scott and I do adore Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett but after the disappointment over Iron Man 2, I learned not to set high expectations with these big-budget movies.

The curious thing is how Robin Hood far exceeded my expectations. True, there were obvious historical inaccuracies. For starters, based on what I learned in history, in school and from my own readings, Richard I of England, or Richard the Lionheart as he is more popularly known, was in fact able to return home from the Third Crusade. He was not killed by a cook’s arrow during a siege as portrayed in Ridley Scott’s film. Never mind the confusion surrounding Robin Hood’s identity — as far as history is concerned, there’s really no proof that he ever existed in the first place.

Never mind too the brouhaha over Crowe’s accent. Like I could tell if he sounded Irish or Scottish. And never mind criticisms that both Crowe and Blanchett were too old for their roles — how old should Robin Hood and Marion be portrayed anyway when they never really existed?

Yes, I enjoyed Robin Hood. Although some critics claim that the heavier and darker mood of the film took the fun out of Robin Hood’s adventures, I like the idea of a hero who got hurt and bled — unlike Kevin Costner’s portrayal in the 1991 version as well as the older swashbucklers before him including the alleged Nazi spy, Errol Flynn. You know, in the same mold as Daniel Craig’s James Bond vis a vis his predecessors who never seemed to perspire or got their hair messed up despite all the action. I like it too that the characters were not made out as caricatures.

I like it even more that the issue of abusive collection of taxes was not heaped on the shoulders of the Sheriff of Nottingham but on the king himself. Richard the Lionheart bled England to death to finance his wars and that was made very clear. The Sheriff of Nottingham was only implementing orders of the Crown. That, for me, was very important. In any story with historical references, the story teller has no license rewriting facts to turn a monster into a saint. I’ve always felt that those who went on those holy crusades were being lauded as beloved heroes only because our history lessons have been written by those who actually instigated and benefitted from those wars.

Finally, I like Robin Hood for the same reason that I loved Martin Scorsese’s Shutter Island. In a generation when most people seem to equate a movie’s worth and superiority with the level of computer technology involved in its making, it is absolutely great to see a film without all the modern overkill. It’s not that I don’t appreciate what modern technology can contribute to filmmaking. I do, actually, and I loved my most recent computer animation experiences — Rainy With A Chance of Meatballs and How To Train Your Dragon. Still, there are times when there’s nothing like human presence onscreen to breathe life to a story. Although they belong to different genres, and Shutter Island for me is a far more superior cinematic achievement than Robin Hood, they share that common bond of not relying too much on computer generated effects to capture the viewer’s attention and imagination.

When a film is bad, I only recommend it to people I don’t like. Robin Hood is one film I’d recommend to friends.(Connie Veneracion)

kahibangan

Sakripisyo o pagpaparaya? Alin ang mas nararapat? Kelan ba dapat ipaglaban ang isang pag-ibig, at kelan ito kailangan pakawalan? Ano ang tamang hakbang para sagipin ang isang nalulunod na pag-ibig? Sa isang relasyon lang ba maaaring iparamdam ang iyong pagmamahal sa taong nagmamay-ari ng iyong puso? Paano kung pinili ng mahal mo na maging magkaibigan nalang kayo? Tama ba na itigil nalang ang kahibangang nararamdaman mo, o patuloy mong ipaparamdam sa kanya na mananatili ka sa likod nya… maghihintay sa araw na handa na cyang harapin ka?

Mahirap bang intindihin na may mga taong sadyang hindi takot mag-isa? - Kahit marunong silang magmahal at masaktan, kaya nilang tumayo ng mag-isa. Mahirap bang tanggapin kung ganun ang mahal mo? Kaya mo bang intindihin ang mahal mong hindi masalita sa kanyang tunay na nararamdaman? Paano nga ba intindihin ang mga ganitong klase ng tao? Tama ba na tumakbo ka sa iba para humanap ng sagot at magbakasakaling maiintindihan mo ang mahal mo sa pamamagitan nila? Hindi mo ba naiisip na kahit sino man ang takbuhan mo, hindi nila hawak ang utak at puso ng mahal mo,, ano man ang sabihin nila, HINDI pa rin nila masasagot ang mga tanong sa isip mo.. magdudulot lang ito ng maling interpretasyon sa mga taong makikitid ang utak na natakbuhan mo.. sa kabilang banda, bakit may mga taong halang ang kaluluwa para husgahan ang isang tao kahit hindi nila alam ang buong pangyayari? Hindi ba nila naiisip na mas pinapagulo lang nila ang situasyon?

ano nga ba ang sukatan para masabing karapat-dapat ka sa isang tao? Ano ang basehan ng “halaga” (worth) ng isang tao para sa minamahal nya? Dala ba ito ng katayuan nya sa buhay, o ang tndi ng nararamdaman nya? Kung isang bituwin ang tingin mo sa iyong minamahal, kaya mo bang gawin ang lahat para abutin cya, o hahayaan mo nalang manatili ka sa lupa at tingalain nalang cya?

Sapat bang sukatan ang iyong mga ginagawa para masabing higit kang nagmamahal? Pano kung hindi expressive ang mahal mo? Patas bang husgahan na higit kang nagmamahal dahil mas madali para sa iyo na iparamdam ang nararamdaman mo?

Bakit may mga taong hindi lubos na totoo sa kanilang sarili? Hindi ba masakit matuklasan na iba ang ipinaparating ng iyong mahal sa mga tao, kung ikukumpara sa nais nyang iparamdam sa iyo? Mahirap nga ba itong tanggapin, o kailangan nalang itong balewalain?

Paano mo nga ba malalaman kung nagsasabi ng totoo sa iyo ang taong kausap mo? Sapat na ba ang pagtitig lang sa kanyang mga mata, o kailangan pang tignan ang kanyang mga ginagawa?

Hanggang saan at hanggang kailan ba ang wagas ng pag-ibig ng isang tao? Paano ito malalaman? Paano ito masusukat? Sa pamamagitan ba ng mga salita? O sa pamamagitan ng mga ginagawa? Sa pamamagitan ba ng halaga? O sa pamamagitan ng kakayanang magparaya… magsakripisyo?

Paano malalaman ang tama sa mali? paano makawala sa isang kahapong bumaon sa iyong pagkatao? Paano magparamdam ng tunay na nararamdaman? Paano husgahan ang isang tao? Paano masasabi ang pagkakaiba ng katotohanan sa kalokohan?

Magulo ba? O sadyang katangahan lang?

May kanya-kanya tayong pananaw.. ano man ito, sapat na ba un upang maging sukatan ng ating pagkatao? Bakit hindi natin tanungin ang ating mga sarili? Bakit hindi muna natin husgahan ang ating mga sarili bago ang iba?

Ako lang si rae.. nag-iisip… nagtatanong… sa inyong lahat… PARA SA INYONG LAHAT...

the greatest celebration

It was my birthday yesterday. Only a few remembered it, except for my friends in FB who got a reminder for my birthday. It doesnt matter to me actually, hindi ako nagpapa-party.:) My family had the traditional inihaw manok for lunch.

At 1pm, PaulJake picked me at home with his motorcycle. He had no idea it was my birthday. We went to Bongarol beach to chill. It was very humid and almost everyone is excited with the election results for the local office. So we decided to stay out from the crowd and have a great time together. We were talking a lot of things, most of them were silly, non-sense stuff. And as always, im falling for his wit and humor. :) When we run out of topic, he said, he craved for an ice cream. So i said, Okay let's buy...

       "Ahh daghan nimu ug kwarta, sa eleksyon"?
       "Dili ah, excuse me, my vote is not for sale". Drama ra gud. :)

So we proceeded to Poblacion to buy a pint of ice cream. Then we heed back to the beach. We were eating the delicious Choco Almod Fundge flavor from Selecta. We both love chocolates, btw.

       "Kabalo baka kinsa ga-advertise ani nga ice cream?" He asked.
       "Kinsa?" I pretended to be innocent though I already know who.
       "Si Carmina ug Zoren." he grins. "Nagka-on sila ani sa ila katre, mura nag midnight snack."
       "Mao ba? Unya unsa man pasabot ana?"
       "Ikaw si Carmina ako, si Zoren." he laughingly replied.
       "Hahahahahaha, kakaloko ka ha." I burst into laughter.
       "Bitaw, ngano nang-ice cream man ka karun?"
       "Ingun man ka ganahan ka mu-kaun ug ice cream."
       "Ahh, sige ra baya ko gaingun, dili man pud birthday nimo."
       I smiled.
       "Oh, taysa, dili ba May to imu birthday? Ahhh, yati... Happy Birthday." He burst and kissed me.
       "Whhaaaaaaaaattt did you just do?" I pretended to be mad.
       "Birthday man nimu, di gi-kissan tkaw." He explained.
       "Kalain nimu ui, virgin pa ra ba ko."
       "Eh di karun dili na."

He stand up and started to pull me to the water. I tried to fight back but he is very persuasive and strong so we were enjoying the serene sea til the sunset.  We met again in the evening and together we enjoy a bottle of vodka. It was the simpliest yet the most amazing birthday celebration I ever had.
   
Thanks PaulJ for making my birthday a memorable one.

my choice...

           I owe it to myself, my students and the future generation to choose the right candidate to rule our country. After I carefully read and checked the profiles/resumes of the candidates for president and vice-president, I believe that the two candidates below are the most qualified to hold the top two positions in our land. God bless to them!

Ang Huling Araw

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, sampung beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.

Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.

Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.

Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.

Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.

Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.

Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.

Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap…Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.

Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

— by nSeNsiTiV(peyups.com)

The Man(in my dreams)

Time was at its fastest pace and the rationality of things was simply so hard to believe.

He was as simple as a good man. With his broad, hard shoulders and beautiful, mysterious eyes, he has proven to me that love at first sight is true.

Yet, he is bound to leave me anyway.

In that dream, when we met, I couldn’t think of anything else but my hungry, retaliating stomach, because of a long day’s work. But that hunger quickly subsided when our eyes met. Some kind of chemistry… I really don’t know… That disgusting feeling running through my veins and that electricity creeping up my spine. But as minutes ticked by, the more I was convinced that I was in love with him. Ironically, an automatic background music played, “I Knew I Loved You”, as I imagined myself leaning on his chest, feeling his breath close to mine… Yuck. What the hell was I thinking? Nothing can suffice my sudden mushy mood. But, I just couldn’t deny that what I felt was for real. This time, I was falling for good: for a man whom I just met coincidentally, and whom I’m not even sure exists.

The dream was so true. “Get a grip, Rae. Didn’t your grade school teachers taught you never talk to strangers? Well, at far more stupid of you, not to actually fall in love with them?” Nothing seemed to matter during those few spared moments, I guess. He launched in to my unawareness and gullibility. He spoke indirectly and drew himself closer to me. He noticed me shivering and avoiding his glances. “O God, is this really happening?” He inched even closer and my heart went into a thousand countable somersaults in my chest. After a few deep breaths, he commented about things and started up an indirect conversation with me. When he was sure enough that he caught my attention, he asked me my name and the rest was history.

The next thing I knew was his lips pressed firmly against mine. His rough yet contented hands rested on my lap and he eagerly caressed me with his affection. His whispers were unheard to the others yet were so clear and adequate for me. All we ever needed was a few minutes to ourselves, and a dark, solemn place where we can avenge our angst and celebrate our being together. “Funny,” I thought to myself. “But his presence brought me joy and completion. Everything seemed undeniably worth it when he was around.” You could never imagine the millions of ways “it” happened. Crazy. Will it be in anyway “immoral?” I don’t really know… The course was leading on its way as if it had a mind and a heart of its own. I was of no complete control of what was happening. I remembered the way slide projectors came in and out of the screen with a click and a thump. I have no idea what was going on, but one thing was for sure: I was happy. Nothing else could make me feel this way. No one has ever made my heart jump up and down to my ankles, like a rubber thing sliding wherever vein it liked to take a little trip inside. I’ve never considered dreams being this complex but so “warm.”

And every morning, as I open my eyes to a sun that’s waiting me to get up and get a hold of myself, the man I think I’m in love with just FADES. Like clouds. He only stays with me for several hours during my sleep. My dreams of that man… Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. My forehead wrinkles whenever I try hard to substantiate a distinct face that would suit the descriptions of that “man.” Somehow, I know I have come across that man, who gave me great joys only during my nocturnal moments, somewhere. I know I’ve seen that face before… Maybe in school… Maybe in the streets… I know he exists. Somewhere. I’ve never given such a damn for love before. Falling in love in a dream? Am I this desperate? Imagining a man whom I think could fulfill my loneliness, hunger for love, and abyss? Am I losing my sanity for love? Have I gone mad? Am I actually going nuts? Why me of all people? Yet the dreams still continue. Every night, he visits me and goes on showing me how great it is to have someone embrace you, and kiss you no matter how fine or tough things are. He goes on, thru my dreams and unconsciousness, touching and feeling me all through. He sets my nights ablaze. He runs me down so deeply. Yet I don’t even know who he is. Oh God, I know just what I need… I need to be loved…