One Rainy Day

"Let me take you home". I stared at the boy who uttered the words. The boy with the lovely, dreamy brown eyes. He was clad in denim shorts, an oversized shirt and mojo slippers, shivering a little when the wind blew harder. He carried a red mountaineering backpack on his back. "Are you nuts? Not in this kind of weather okay? Besides, my place is not big enough to accommodate an extra person when you get stuck there later on." I grinned at him, trying to lighten up the mood. The boy with the dreamy brown eyes shook his head. Before I knew it, he was holding my hand. His grip felt smooth and warm, and a sense of deep comfort filled me. I didn't know what to say. "Please." His voice sounded far and manly.

It was the first time I looked at him and saw somebody else, instead of just the boy I hang out with everyday since the training started. His tanned face looked more attractive, his lashes longer and curlier, lips redder. He was taller, bolder, more disarming.  Despite the trance he seemed to have put me into, I managed to pull my hand back and smiled sadly. "You know I'd love to, Mark. It's just that…." My words trailed off unfinished. I saw the mixture of anger and sadness clouded his eyes. He sighed wearily, indicating surrender for the nth time. I avoided his eyes and pretended to look for something in my backpack. I was starting to feel worse, and the rain seemed to have poured harder. It was getting dark and the other athletes inside the building were hurrying to get out and head home.  The wind was howling loudly, strong and persistent. I suddenly felt alone and scared. I stole a glance at Mark and found him staring at the trees in front of the building, lost in his own thoughts. "I'm sorry", I croaked involuntarily. I wanted to say a million things, wanted him to know how I truly feel. But I couldn't bring myself to.

"Rae, I don't like her. I mean, not the way she wants me to. I'll forever see her as a friend, nothing more." He said, reading my exact thoughts. His words pierced my heart deeper. I wanted to tell him that I like him too; that I think he's the most wonderful, caring and loveable man I've ever known. I wanted to tell him that I don't want him to take me home because I want to walk under the rain with him, to hold him and kiss him until the moon goes up and paint the night sky red orange.

But fate couldn't be any more cruel. Mark has always been someone else love and life. He was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, the man she wanted to father her children. He was everything to her, and I don't want to come between her dreams. I do not want to be the cause of her sadness and grief. I do not want to steal her only source of happiness in this world. Wiping the tear that has managed to escape from my eyes, I tried to look nonchalant. "You don't know what you're saying. You love her too, you just don't know it yet," I reasoned, knowing too well that I sounded like a naïve child. He laughed softly, husky and melodious. We looked at each other sadly. Somehow, both of us were aware of the situation at hand. If only things didn't end up so complicated. At the time, I thought he was just being his goofy self, but when I looked at him, his eyes said otherwise. He was smiling at me like a lovesick fourteen-year old kid and I didn't have a choice but to tell him I felt the same way. I knew it was crazy, but one part of me seemed to have floated in ecstasy. "I like you a lot Rae. I liked you the way you carry yourself. I like the way you're so nice to everybody, the way you laugh at your own not-so-funny jokes." He paused with emphasis on the last sentence and both of us laughed loudly. "Are you sure? Are you that crazy? Come on, don’t you have any idea. " "That's because I find you too attractive. And everybody else liked you. Remember the time I caught you deflating my favorite ball red-handed? I couldn't get enough of your facial expression then. That was the time I realized how unfriendly I seemed to you". He was reminiscing the memory in great relish, a far dreamlike look in his face. I couldn't help smiling myself, for the memories seemed funnier, even cute, when he talks about it that way. 

Even though we started hanging out together this live-in training after we found out we were having the same room, Mark never struck me as somebody who might see me in a different light. "Cut it out. I'm not going to buy any of that shit" I said firmly, a wide, friendly smile on my face. Outside, the heavy rain turned into a soft drizzle, the trees and the grass enveloped in the lovely whiteness of a heavy fog. The building was almost deserted, and a mixture of emptiness and peace settled upon me. I looked at Mark, with his dreamy brown eyes and tanned skin. 

He smiled, and found my hand once again. Instinctively, I held on tighter. He squeezed it back, and that's when the wild idea came into my mind. "Let's walk under the rain tonight. Let's pretend I'm not Rae and you're not Mark. Let's pretend we live in a much freer world, there's no Mae or our friends telling us what they think. Tonight, just for tonight, let's fall in love." We walked out of the building hand in hand, welcoming the raindrops that kissed our skin. The moon was up, painting the night sky red-orange, and the wind was blowing gently. I never felt any of the coldness though, for his hands and his presence kept me warm enough. For the first time in the last three weeks, I felt deliriously happy. Everything looked brighter and more beautiful, like everything felt right and in place. 

Tonight, just for tonight, I am allowing myself to be happy. For tomorrow, when the moon goes down and the sun rises up, I'll have to forget this ever happened. I cannot allow myself to fall in love with Mark, because he belongs to someone else. They will fall in love in the right time, and I will be happy for them. But tonight, just for tonight, I will pretend he's mine...

xon

I miss you...

I wish i made a move when I still have that chance, but my fears were bigger than my guts... Now I'm missing you when you're finally gone, out of my reach...

September

It's September, the ninth month of the year. It simply indicates that the year is almost about to end.

This year is indeed another adventure to me. I had a condition that affected my physical health. I had kidney stones, my uric acid went high, and so is my blood sugar and cholesterol. After months of medications, thank God, I am well. Though my uric and blood sugar is still high, it's not that bad anymore. It's just a way to keep me grounded, and be more responsible and good steward of my health.

I learned a lot from it, and I'm grateful to God for the experience. And forever be grateful to Him coz He always take me to a new horizon.

Yes, I made new friends, and few enemies. It's because of the decision that I believe is best for everybody. They may misunderstood it, but in the long run, they will appreciate it. So I just lift my head high, and trust everything to the ONE who give me all this.

Guide me Oh Lord. Always and forever!

September, you'll be good to me.

To Live or Not To Live

There was once a commercial on an instant coffee that carries a catch-phrase "Kanino ka ba gigising?" It was catchy and apt for the product because it tries to set the mindset of its target market to make their product part of their daily morning routine.

The catch-phrase, question rather, simply asked who are you inspiration that motivates you to live the day. Who will make you smile every time you open your eyes in the morning. For awhile, I have been searching for that very person who will motivate me to wake up, and live my day. I did every thing, at least to what I know, to find him. But I end up disappointed. No one can live to my expectation. They say that when you love someone, you just love, without expectation. And I believe that, embrace it to be precise. Though it worked for awhile, but I never felt a sense of fulfillment. Coz I'm human, and when I do things, I expect something, or else I will not be fulfilled. I am not selfish. I have to be true to myself. Why would I keep on pushing myself to someone who can never give me the love that I need. So I moved on, and keep on looking for someone who can give me what I need. Until I get tired.

I realized then that if I keep chasing on love, I lose track of other things. Things that matters as well. So I pay attention to them, forget about love and do what I must do. After doing it for quite sometime already, I experience fulfillment, an inner satisfaction. And I'm the happiest. So now, I don't care if I have someone special or not. I live my life, I choose to live my life. But it doesn't mean that I'm closing doors. I believe that love comes on perfect time and perfect person. I just keep on trusting God.

So "Kanino ako gigising?" Everyday I wake up and get inspired with the people around me, who love more than anything else in this world. My mom, my relatives and my friends. :-)

Special

They say,

"Sometimes you meet people along the way
that made you smile.
Sometimes you meet people along the road
that made you special.
Sometimes you meet people along the pathway
that made your heart skipped.
Sometimes you meet people along the highway
that made you turn around."

When I met you, it was just like an ordinary day.
You were an ordinary person to me.
And so I was, I guess, to you.
You were minding your own business, and I was with mine.
But as the days go by, I realized
That you made me smile,
That you made me feel special,
That you made my heart skipped,
And you made me turned around, 360 degrees.
Amazing, isn't it?

The Twelve Step Program for Life

1. There will be some days when you close your eyes while crossing the street, maybe because you want to see what fate has in store for you, or maybe because your depression is running rampant again and you don’t know how to calm her. It’s okay. I will still love you.

2. There will be a year, or a series of years when your birthday doesn’t feel special. Celebrate anyway. Because people spent time baking you a cake and buying you cards and even if they’re your family and they’re obligated to, they still love you. Cherish that love. Revel in it. It is the best gift you will ever receive.

3. You will learn that the saddest word in the English language is stay. Whether it’s your mother’s voice whispering it before you leave for college, or your ex-lover’s desperate screams as you walk out of the house, it will always be a hard word to hear. Sometimes you should listen to it, other times you shouldn’t. Trust yourself. Go with your gut.

4. Along with hearing the word stay, you will also hear the word why from every person who is remotely related to you. Why did you get that tattoo? Why did you try to kill yourself? Why aren’t you married yet? You don’t have to answer them. Be selfish. Keep somethings to yourself.

5. Some nights you won’t be able to sleep. You will lie awake at 2 am and contemplate existentialism and wonder if the French had a point. Get up. Get out of your bed. Do something. Because even if there is no God, what you do matters, who you are matters. You matter to me.

6. Some days you will want to run away and never return. So go. Drive to a small town in the Northwest, maybe Oregon, and settle down there for a while. Tell people your name is Elizabeth, because you loved Jane Austen as a child and because this a town full of strangers and who’s to know the difference? Don’t be selfish. Call your mother each night and remind her that you love her. Come back home when you find yourself seeing your sadness painted in the shadows, and when you feel more at home in the arms of a stranger than on your own.

7. There will be several nights when you lose yourself in the medicine cabinet, because liquor and morphine seem like a faster cure than time. It’s okay. I will still love you in the morning.

8. One day, in the midst of work, you will learn to forgive. It will start out with a simple reminder of the past, maybe a facebook notification from an old schoolmate or a wedding announcement from an ex-lover. In that moment you will learn that yearning for the past isn’t romantic, it’s stupid, and that if Gatsby had just let go of the green light he would’ve lived. So forgive your past, it didn’t know any better, and move on.

9. Leaving home will hurt, but soon you will learn that home isn’t a place but a feeling, and that there is a compass on your heart that points directly to that feeling. Follow that compass. Don’t get sidetracked by boys who don’t care or alcohol that doesn’t forgive. If you follow that compass, no matter how lost you get, you will always have a home.

10. The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.

11. When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.

12. Some days will be beautiful. Live for those days. Live for the days when the sun shines on your soul and the smile on your face isn’t forced. Live for the days when you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks because your scars are a part of your story and you don’t need someone else’s approval to wear them with pride.

Live for the life you always wanted but were too scared to pursue.

Live for you. Live for me. Live for every person who has ever loved you, for the people who have come before you so that you may be here today.

Live for the fire that burns in your soul, that tells you: keep going, you’re almost there, just a little farther. Because when Rome burned down the emperor didn’t run away, he stayed and he sang for his people. Stay. Sing for your people. Sing for us.

Are you listening? Because this is your life, singing a siren song to capture your attention and steer away from the rocks, to guide you back home.

iAmHappy

I am happy.

And it's just an understatement. Deep inside there is something, a small piece of me,  that I am happy. I was tested by time, and chances. I was tested by my alter ego. I had gone through difficult time. But thankfully, I can say that I'm over it, and I am now happy.


So happy, that I can't ask for more. I can smile, I can sing a song, I can be who I am. I'm happy even if I don't have someone this holidays. I think it's the best gift of all. And that makes me happy.

Thank you Lord, for the gift of happiness. I love you.