heartbreak

to be part of a couple yet feel alone
to reach out and touch no one
to call and not get connected
to write and receive no reply
to ache and get no relief
to need and receive nothing
to call out and not be heard
to love and feel un-reciprocated
to wonder and find no answer

Di Lang Ikaw

I heard this song from the TV Series Rubi. The moment i hear it, I cant help but stop, listen and ponder on lyrics. It became an instant favorite of mine. Juris' voice is perfect for the song. And the song itself, speaks perfectly on what i feel at this point. I downloaded it right away when i got online. Another song for the soundtrack of my life. Here is the lyrics:

Di Lang Ikaw
(Juris Fernandez)

Pansin mo ba ang pagbabago
Di matitigan ang iyong mga mata
Tila hindi na nananabik
Sa ‘yong yakap at halik

Sana’y malaman mo
Hindi sinasadya
Kung ang nais ko ay maging malaya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

Pansin mo ba ang nararamdaman
Di na tayo magkaintindihan
Tila hindi na maibabalik
Tamis ng yakap at halik

Maaring tama ka
Lumalamig ang pagsinta
Sana’y malaman mong ‘di ko sinasadya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

BRIDGE:
Di hahayaang habang buhay kang saktan
Di sasayangin ang iyong panahon
Ikaw ay magiging masaya
Sa yakap at sa piling ng iba

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

to clear the unclear...

You're making choice to live like this,
And all of the noise,
I am Silence.

I said I will keep forgiving you every time and the only time WE would ever come to an end is when YOU give up. BIG MISTAKE. I always did manage to get myself in trouble with my big mouth and impulsive honesty. I've told you time and again... Complacency is the enemy of progress. We haven't moved on from this rut we got ourselves in because the moment things look up for us... the moment I don't complain... you shy back away to your old ways that always always make me feel like crap. Please please. If you can't love me the way you tell me you will, just let me go. You wouldn't do it, would you? I know I couldn't so what the hell... I truly do deserve this crappy crappy feeling of apathy.

We already know how it ends tonight,
You run in the dark through a firefight.
And I would explode just to save your life,
Yeah I would explode.

I'd do anything for you. I'd do anything for love. I already did and still will. No wonder friends think my celebrated intellect is of no use with my love life. You may have an IQ of 200 but Tanga ka, gurl. Tanga ka. I always end up with the wrong guys. Or they always end up with the wrong me. What the world should do is gather all fucked up little girls like me and make us all live in a bubble. We shouldn't be allowed to roam freely and prey on nice young men. Heck, who am I kidding. You're no nice young man. If you were, I tell you... we both wouldn't have to grope in the dark for what to do next. I never was the first in a relationship to give up. Except for that one time but that was a different me. Ginagago na ko, I still hold on. So the mere fact that I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion because of you shows you are more fucking fucked up than I can ever be.

I can’t find a wall to pin this to,
They're all coming down since I've found you.
I just wanna be where you are tonight.

I longed to be beside you in everything you and I do. I was clingy, I knooowww. Those skanks had to pry you free from my cold dead fingers if they wanted to have you for themselves. Then one day, I woke up and realized that if you wanted to be with anyone else, I'm setting you free. Just don't come running back to me and claim yourself to be mine just because you have syphillis. Why did you have to throw everything we've shared and been through? C'mon mann... I can keep blaming you over and over and over and all you have to do is stay away from me and I'd stop bugging you. I can move on, you know. I really can. You just have to push me. Our memories are vanishing one by one in my head now... Just a little help from you and I'd be fine.

I run in the dark looking for some light,
And how will we know if we just don't try,
We won't ever know.

Well. We won't, I suppose. Tssch. I don't think you realized you were appointed to save my life, not totally push it off course. Congrats.

Some Truths we may know but refuse to put to heart...

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

could it be that i'm only exasperated?

There are days like these: when I feel like crumpling myself into a ball and rolling under my bed. When I want to sink to the bottom of the ceramic floor; when I don't want to talk, I just want to listen. Sing me a lullaby and I'll lay here, perfectly still, my head on your shoulder, my heart on your lap,
drifting, drifting, and drift—

Things are happening. I'm thinking entirely too much, lately. I'm thinking so much, talking so much, asking so much, listening so much that I don't know what's what anymore. I don't know which are my thoughts or your thoughts or his thoughts... I don't know if what I believe in is what I want to believe in...or what I'm really supposed to believe in.

I used to believe in things. They were like little marbles I'd keep in my pocket and I could just slip my hand inside and swirl them around and hear them make sounds, and I know, know what it all meant. But now…

This thinking, this feeling, this wondering it's wearing me out.

I want to be angry. It looks so much easier to be angry. Shout at the top of your lungs, wave your arms in the air, slam a couple doors, break a few things and then storm the hell out of there and be done with it. Goodbye, I hate you, goodbye. I want to be angry, but I'm just poignant.

And it's not just one thing. Don't think it's just one thing, because it's not. There's so much and it can be vexing. It's settling, like dust on a shelf. I try to wipe it away, but it floats back into the air only to land in the same spot. Things I haven't thought about in years, things I forgot have ever happened; things I want to pretend don't exist. Dealing with these. Being adult about it. Growing up already. I should, I really should, but...

Not now. Not today. Today, I am going to stop talking. I am not going to think. I am not going to wonder. I am not even going to hope.

Whisper a sweet something in my ear and tell me it will be okay. Tell me I'll be fine, and I will believe you.