Mensahe

Magda-dalawang taon nang nasa inbox ng cellphone ko ang mga mensahe mo. Hindi ko binura at wala akong balak na burahin. Binabasa ko iyon tuwing hinahanap-hanap kita. Hanggang sa sandaling ito, inaasam ko na muli akong makatatanggap ng mensahe mula sa iyo…

Paano kung Paggising ko, Mahal pa rin Kita?

Paano kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita?
Kung ang mga nilimot na halik
Ay isa-isang magtampisaw
sa manhid ko nang alaala?

Paano kung sa magdamag
na pagtulog ang kinahimbingang
anino’y ikaw pa rin?

Paano kung ang sagot
sa mapangutyang ginaw
ng madaling araw
ay ang alaala
ng yakap mong
hindi na akin?

Paano kung ang hatinggabi’y
palilipasin pa rin
sa paglimot
at pagsilip sa sikat ng araw
mula sa aking silid?

Kung ang halinghing ng hangin
ay bubulong ng
pangalan mong
di na rin kailanman bibigkasin …


Kung ang kakapain pa ri’y
kung saan muling maririnig
ang iyong tinig …

Kung paggising ko
mahal pa rin kita,
tulog akong magluluksa
sa puso kong
nalimutang muli
ang magmahal ng sariling pagka

Ilang beses na akong umayaw.
Paulit-ulit na nilasing ang
Sarili sa mga usok at ingay,
sa mga salitang sinulat sa
naglalahong guhit ng papel.

Pagkat ang paglaya
sa pagsasama nating
kay tamis - kay pait
Ay pagbitiw sa kadena
ng iyong pagkalinga.

Ilang libong hakbang na ang
nilakad papalayo sa iyo
nagpupumilit na di na lumingon
na di na rin tumingin,
na hindi na makaramdam.

Kung paggising ko,
mahal pa rin kita
Mag-aalay ako ng balde-baldeng luha
(sindami ng iniyak ko sa nagdaang paglaya)
Pagkat gabi pa rin ang gabi
kung ikaw pa rin ang iibigin

Hindi pa marahil nagbubukangliwayway.
Hihintayin ko ang tilaok ng manok
Upang magising sa isang mapaglarong
bangungot.

Kung paggising ko’y
mahal pa rin kita,
babalikan ko ang
mga panaginip
at papatayin ang
alaala.

The Final Day

If God will ask me how much I love you, I would tell Him ten million times than what its worth. I love you not because I feel it is right, but because I like what I feel and nothing else.

Sometimes you asked if I regretted the day I met you. I said NO. But today is the day that I feared the most, because if you will ask me again, I know I would say YES. Of all the things that I have, it is your memories that I want to bury.

I know that what I am doing is right. Yes it is so right to get you out of my life. I should not believe on the friendship that you promised. I am such a fool to hold on to that. You choose to hurt me.

There are times that I need your presence, yet you were not there. I know that you know, yet you choose to ignore me. Now, I reckon that you will never be there for me. I should have known, because right from the start, you already left me.

I throw all your lies that I once believed. When you said that I was important to you and that you could not stand without me, those were all LIES. Maybe you were just forced to do it or you just did it to give me false hope. Now, all the words that you said were worthless. It’s because you are worthless to me.

I don’t mind anymore if you really liked me. What is important is I loved, and I gave everything without asking in return. Despite of that, you taught me to be strong. I learn to stop chasing and crying to someone who is worthless like you.

Maybe you destroyed almost everything in me. You took my dignity, my courage and my faith, even my life. But I can stand-up and regain them again. I can move-on and live without you. This is still me. It’s only the time and days that are changed.

Now is the last time that I am saying this. The last chance that I will think of you. All the things that happened are all gone. Even my life is already new. Now is the last time that I love you. The last time for everything, for you to know how much you hurt me. Everything is over. This is the last day that I suffer. It’s done, it’s all over. But on this final day, I am sure of one thing,

That this is not the last day that I am going to say this.


This is one of the articles i wrote for the local school paper which was published recently. For Papao...

He's Out Of My Life

He is out of my life. He was, for a long time already but his memories still haunt me. And no matter what I do, I can't get him out of me. Everything in him is implanted in my mind, my body and my soul...

He's out of my life
He's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life
It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think the two years he was here
And I took him for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
He's out of my hands

So I've learned that loves not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

And he's out of my life
He's out of my life
Damned in decision and cursed pride
I kept my love for him locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
He's out of my life

Whatever happened to the US, i will wish for the day that you'll come back. Hopefully, it's love will lead you back to me... I miss you, Papao!

Lunacy

No one would believe I touched the moon.

You are not one who would kiss the earth. Your life is spent dancing with the stars. And you know nothing but warmth in the cradle of the sky.

Hovering over the world
giving it light upon the night
always there yet never quite.

Long have I looked upon your face, one I never thought I would recognize. Mocked by the length of day, I would whisper lullabies to the wind, begging the world to fall asleep. So that you would return and I could once again serenade you with my gaze.

Even I was caught by surprise when finally you smiled back at me. For I am one used to the stifling solitude that is my destiny. So much that I find comfort in absolute stillness and only find my way in blinding darkness. That was how I fell in love with the night and come to know you.

And so it was that with a wicked twist of fate, or maybe it was just my strange fixation with pain, that I found myself yearning for nothing but a place in the heavens with you. It is a ridiculous impossibility only a recluse of my naive tolerance for tragedy could find absolute fascination in.

I therefore cannot blame the world, even with all my malice, for not being able to undersand. For I also can never come to terms with how they can fail to stumble in the dark because of your gentle light and never give you so much as simple acknowledgement of your presence. And I want to laugh for I was at least less occupied with my shadow to look to the reason it was cast.

No one will understand. And so it is no surprise that no one will find it less easier to believe that not only did I touch the moon but that you touched me back. And you did more than just that. You enfolded me with your passion and wooed me with poetry that would humble romance itself.

But the universe is as it would, and even Mother Nature will not find it in her heart to find me a spot in the infinite sky near you. So that the only way for us to be together is for you to leave your home in the heavens. But as much as I want to spend the rest of my waking moments with the whole of your being, I can never bear the thought of tearing you away from the sky. The world will never hear a word of it but I know you're ready to return all your light to the sun because you believe in the humility of my tiny glow. Nevertheless, we choose to stick it out where we are placed--tormentingly distant from each other.We both know that the world will blame me if you do step down to earth. And just like me, it pains you more to be the cause of that suffering than to have to wait for eternity to end just watching me from afar.

And so we wept our own goodbyes. I promise to keep singing love letters to the wind hoping the breeze of my heart will reach you. And you vow to always shower me with light enough to fill the world, knowing I'm there, awake in the slumber of our fate.

So it is that the world will end and they never would believe that everything is the way they all want it to be because of our great
sacrifice. No one would ever believe because no one will ever know. They would hear my soulful songs and feel the footsteps of your light among them but they will never know that you are the notes of my melodies and I'm the reason you look upon the earth.

No one will ever believe I touched the moon.

One Night Stand

“I want you”.

The words sound simple enough and the meaning is clear. “I want you” – it denotes possession and claim. Its connotation is even clearer – desire. So simple and yet so complex.

You want my body. It’s as simple as that. You wanted more.

So it happened. And happened again and again and again. And each and every time you came and took and left again with nary a second glance my way. You may give but it was always on your terms and your terms alone. I always got left behind contemplating on the sanity of the situation. I was throwing my better judgment in the wind in search of something that left me feeling - empty.

Empty. I stared at the wall for what seemed like hours after you left and felt – empty. A sacred act that supposedly expresses one’s feelings for one another felt like an orchestrated activity that one just had to do. Step 1: Say Hi! ; Step 2: Kiss; Step 3: Fondle; Step 4: Get on with it; Step 5: Climax. Step 6: Wash and say bye-bye.

I suppose the reason why I kept saying yes was because I was looking for that elusive something. But every single time it happened I always felt the same. Empty.

Love? But I am not in love with you; any more than you are with me. Every time you came I wasn’t the least bit interested on how you lived your life any more than you were with mine. And every time you left I couldn’t care less how you will live your life any more than you care about how I will live mine.

I don’t seek your affection and sweet nothings lovers whisper to each other. Nor do I seek the comfort of your arms for yours are not the one I want.

What then do I want? You? Perhaps. In this world of impermanence, one tries to look for some semblance of connection. Maybe, in those brief moments that we spend together, I can pretend to be cherished by a fellow being, albeit an empty shell like me.

Again, I ask myself, what do I want? Do I want you beyond the function of sating my body? Would I want you to want me beyond the same function?

My mind looks for answers. The wall remains as it is – blank. And like my heart, empty. Tired from the activity that led to my musings, I turn off the lights and sleep – an empty, dreamless sleep.

The Just Equation

I who loved beauty
was no beautiful.
I cherished truth and
yet I was not true;
I who remembered am so
soon forgotten.


But I loved him.


I who loved him was well
acquaint with sorrow.
I honored freedom
yet I was not free.
But once, indeed,
I knew the just equation,


For he LOVED me.