Bittersweet Truth About You

I often ask myself why I'm so into you. But it would just turn out that I haven't got a single clue. 

I start everyday, not with a prayer, but with a vow that I'll avoid you. But I end up avoiding the shadow of my own conscience coz for the nth time now, I failed to evade you. 

You were there when I woke up. You were there when I slept. You were there when I closed my eyes to take a nap on my breaks. You were there when the rain fell on me and got my face all wet. 

Sometimes I blame you for haunting me but I wake up to the truth that there's no one here but me. Then I know I'd be hurting myself once more coz I can't bear a moment without any YOU in my horizon. 

It's such a sweet torment on my part and though the pain is piling in, there's no way I could just walk out. 

Your words come into my head and I couldn't knock even some little sense in it once you begin your attack. One mintue I'm mad at you then after a serene conversation, I realize that you have painted yet another minute smile in my weary visage. 

Another split second passes me by and another batch of cascades escape from my core. It is not an easy task to forgive and then forget you. It never was and never will it be. 

I try to run away from your oblivion and make you believe that I am here– no bigger than an ant– wanting you to feel even just a little emotion, in return for the enormous sentiment I am keeping inside me. Man is indeed a hypocrite when he said that in loving, there is never a need of getting something in return. Because in my case, that is the biggest lie. 

Can you see me? I am here. Eternally feeling for you– falling for you. can you not sympathize to my lowly being and offer me even the littles compassion you can bestow? 

Tonight, I shall end the day with another setting of sun. I shall sleep in a bed of thorns and bleed in the agony of my creation. I shall close my eyes and revere in the mystique of your lair. For tonight, like every other night where I lay to rest my somnolent soul, I shall see your face amidst the dark and succumb to the immortal vision of you and me, breathing one air, under one skyuntil I tirew my heart to satisfaction. 

Come tomorrow, I shall wake up to see a brand new day and start it, not with a prayer, but with a vow that I'll avoid you. And once again, find myself asleep to dream of you.

.:: beginning today ::.

Beginning today i will no longer worry about yesterday... it is in the past and the past will never change... only i can change by choosing to do so...

Beginning today i will no longer worry about tomorrow... tomorrow will always be there, waiting for me to make the most of it.. i cannot make the most of tomorrow without first making the most of today...

Beginning today i will look in the mirror and i will see a person worthy of my respect and admiration... this capable person looking back at me is someone i enjoy spending time with and someone i would like to get to know better...

Beginning today i will cherish each moment of my life... i value the gift bestowed upon me in this world and i will unselfishly share this gift with others...

Beginning today i will make a moment to step off the beaten path and to revel in the mysteries i encounter... i will face challenges with courage and determination... i will overcome what barriers there maybe which hinder my quest for growth and self improvement.

Beginning today i will take the life one day at a time, one step at a time... discouragement will not be allowed to taint my positive self-image, my desire to suceed or my capacity to love...

Beginning today i walk with renewed faith in human kindness... regardless of what has gone before... i believe there is hope for a brighter and better future...

Beginning today i will open my mind and my heart... i will welcome new experiences... i will meet new people... i will not expect perfection form myself nor anyone else: perfection does not exist in an imperfect world... but i will applaud the attempt to overcome human foibles...

Beginning today i am responsible for my own happiness and i will do things that make me happy... admire the beautiful wonders of nature, listen to my favorite music, pet a puppy, soak in a bubble bath... PLEASURE, can be found in the most simple of gestures...

Beginning today i will learn something new; i will try something different; i will savour all the variou flavors life has to offer... i will change what i can and the rest i will let go...

"i will strive to become the best me i can possibly be..."

On Love and Commitment

The most important, most critical component in successful loving is commitment. Not love. It's easy to love without commitment. People do it all the time. Easy to love, to give of oneself for a while. But commitment implies bonding in such a way that one promises to keep the fires of love burning indefinitely. It also means shutting one's heart to the possibility of loving another who might even be more attractive, even more lovable. Not easy. This is why solid commitments are not at all as common as we are led to believe. In fact, more often than not, I think that the commitment two lovers make are not equal. What I mean is that the commitment of one might be a whole lot more or a whole lot less than the partner's.

We see it all the time. One loves more than the other and is more committed than the other. It is false to believe that two lovers love each other to the same degree. We have often seen lopsided love relationships where one partner is giving so much more to the relationship than the other. But writers and poets seem to always indicate that love isn't just a two-way street, but an equal two-way street. That hardly ever happens. It is impossible to determine exactly how much a man loves a woman or how much a woman cares for a man. Love cannot be measured and that can be a huge problem. You can love someone and tell him "I love you" and you're telling the truth. But how much do you love him? Enough to let him court you? Enough to marry him? Enough to die for him?

The greatest test of true love is commitment. And the greatest indicator of deep love is deep commitment. There can be no doubting this. I have heard people say all the right words, make all the right moves and pledge undying love, only to walk away weeks or months later. Were they in love? Sure they were. But not enough to allow them to hold strong in their love. Not enough to keep a commitment regardless of the pain. A lover gets this sinking feeling when there is a sense that one is more committed than the other. When one is giving a lot more than one is receiving. When one's love is a lot more solid than the creaky love of the partner. When a couple believes strongly that their commitment to each other is rock solid, there is a deep sense of security, a feeling that it's OK to give all because the gift of yourself is safe in the hands of the beloved.

If, however, there is doubt or, even worse, the conviction that one is engaged in one-way giving, in a one-way commitment that is lopsided, then there is a tendency to pull back and not give as much. And when that happens, love begins to fade. In the countless counseling sessions I have had with troubled couples over the years, there has always been the problem of a failing commitment on the part of at least one of the partners. Unless there is the raising of the level of commitment, the relationship is doomed. It's finished. Sooner or later the stress will take their toll and the relationship will begin to fall apart. On the other hand, look carefully at lovers who are still very much in love after 20, 25 years. Their commitment to each other cannot be shaken. Neither can their love.

Friendship and Life

Somewhere between the *procrastination*

and the incessant forwards and the friendships

and the calls/txt messages to each other complaining about 

Boyfriends/Girlfriends and even X's!!

Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends

and the "I miss you's", the "I love you's" and
the "What are we doing tonight's?"

And somewhere between all of the changing and growing...
somewhere between all TRIPS, InuMAN and GiMIks

...And the PRETENDING that we're Happy SomeTiMEs 

Somewhere between all the appointments,

Making plans then breaking plans...

Appearing, Disappearing, then reappearing...

I forgot--I forgot what it was like to cry.  I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy...

And that pretending to be SmArT doesn't make you smart ..

I forgot that you can't just forget the past

in fear of the FUTURE...

I forgot that you can't control falling in LoVe..
And that you can't make yourself fall in *LoVe*.... I learned that I can LOVE...

I learned that it's okay to MEsS UP....
And it's okay to ask for HELP..

And it's okay to feel like crap...

I learned it's okay to cOmPLaiN

and wHINe to all your friends for a whole day........
I learned that sometimes the things you want most,
you just can't have

and the things that you look for are right in front of you.I learned that the greatest thing

about LIFE and the working worldit isn't about the parties or the DRiNKiNG or the Hookups...

 

It's the *FrIeNdShIpS*
which means taking chances...
I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about...
I learned that TIME and LOVE can heal all things...
I learned that just when you think it can't get worse - it does! ...
but with the love and support of friends - you survive...
I've learned that when you start feeling BaD 
about L O S I N G touch and about those that you've lost!
They too, are feeling the same way....

I learned that letters from friends

are the most important things.

And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better!

But, basically, I just learned that my friends........

Both old and new.....

are the most important people to me in the world AND.......

without them, I wouldn't  be who
I am today... 

So this is a THANK YOU 
to all of my friends...

For a year full of Joy, Laughters and HOPE...
and most especially ...

For always being there...

I Choose To Be Happy

I choose to be happy...
And all the attachments I have with this world of ours, maybe of no-sense at all.

I choose to reflect on the attachments of my physical body to my spiritual soul and heart.
And I want happiness to stay in my heart forever.

For I refuse to be lonely.
Even if everybody seems to come and go, I will always have a piece of him inside me.
And I have this weird feeling that everything happens for a reason. Even the loneliest of events happens for a very good reason. I choose to believe.

For I choose to be happy.
I will never ever dwell on my past mistakes but rather learn and go on. For I've loved and lost, lived and learned. But still, I won't give up. For I refuse to be lonely. And though I cry today, I refuse to cry forever. For my soul wasn't meant to be lonely.

I maybe alone at the moment, but not for long. This I know. And somebody may come again and destined to leave anyway. I wouldn't care. For the fact of the matter is, I will keep myself intact.  He will never leave with the whole of me. But I will celebrate the emotions I felt, for I am human.

And I refuse to be lonely. And I detach from it all for it is a hateful world. But I refuse to hate. Love is what I should feel for every molecule and every particle in this universe.

And I maybe senseless. I am meaningless. But I refuse to make myself trivial, for I am significant. These words have no meaning. No sense, no direction. And though my refusal is futile, I will never give up.

I choose to be happy.

Lights - Ellie Gouldings

This song goes to the one who came to love this as well, who became special to me after being with him for quite sometime...

I had a way then losing it all on my own
I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown
And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat
And I'm not keeping now, the strength I need to push me

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
Home

Noises, I play within my head
Touch my own skin and hope that I'm still breathing
And I think back to when my brother and my sister slept
In an unlocked place the only time I feel safe

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
Home

Lights, lights, lights, lights
Lights, lights, lights, lights
(Home, home)
Lights, lights, lights, lights
Lights, lights

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong
And dreaming when they're gone

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home
Calling, calling, calling home
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone
You shine it when I'm alone
Home

(Home, home )
Lights, lights, lights, lights
Lights, lights, lights, lights
(Home, home)
Lights, lights, lights, lights
Lights, lights, lights, lights

Under The Same Rain

You're back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, and there is one you are dying to find, but how? For each one is a possibility, a chance dividing infinitely in all directions every second.Running barefoot, it doesn't matter, nobody can see you. Cry, only to find out it won't matter, either, the rain will drown your tears anyway. Release your pain in one solid cry and it won't matter still, the wind will only eat up your screams. Run barefoot and it won't matter at all - your soul is on its knees.

Run for cover and light a cigarette - now that's refuge. You can rest for a few minutes before you start running alone again.

But I have been here all these times.

This shouldn't have been your life, if only you allowed me to hold you one last time.

To each one a name, each one a possibility, another chance, but you cannot see that, never. For I have been always a few steps behind, following, dying with you every step of the way. If only you'd look back.

******

I'm back to catching raindrops again. To each one a name, but your name I can't seem to find. How could I? You are just a name, a face, a single drop among all others, and the possibility divides infinitely in every direction, every second.

I run barefoot, but it doesn't matter, for nobody can see me. I cry only to find out I cry alone, and it won't matter if the sky will cry with me; it can only cry this much, never enough to comfort me. I shout in pain and it won't matter even, because I can't hear myself as the wind carries away my voice almost instantly. And the cold it brings I can't even feel, for I am colder inside. I run alone, because there is no reason to stay in one place. It is raining.

But... have you been there all these times?

This shouldn't have been my life, chasing raindrops forever, if only you tried to hold on to me tighter, even for that one last time...

Chasing raindrops, to each a name, a chance, so elusive I can never find it. I can never see you. I am as blind as my heart, and being blind I can only face forward, forever forward, no sense looking back. Have you always been a few steps behind, following? I cannot know it, never. If only you'd reach for me and call my name.

******

They used to be so fascinated with rain. This used to be the music of their dance as they trot along hand in hand, going wild when nobody was looking. Now the music has died, but the rain is still there, black and as thick as oil - but they still dance, one following the other every time. They are tired of playing this game, but they can never stop. This is their life. And in their world, it rains everyday.