Knowing If It Is Love, and Fearing When It Really Is

I woke up early this morning. It’s been a long time since I last did that; it’s been a long time since I last felt that there is a reason for me to face and challenge a new day with much zest—with much hope of getting in touch with you again. I was uncertain if it was really you who was giving me this feeling until I reached my house this evening—you’re certainly not in my school, not in my house, and not in any place that I know, but you’re certainly in my mind.

I’m beginning to like you; or perhaps, I already like you. I feel so scared; I feel so anxious right now, as if anytime, even at this very moment, I’m going to lose you—and I don’t want to. I feel that you’re already my friend, and I also feel that you consider me as your friend. I value our newly-found friendship, but although it’s really hard for me, I think we should end it now. But I don’t want to end it now; I still want to spend more time with you to know if you also enjoy marveling at the beauty of the stars, if you also take pleasure in eating Japanese food, if you can play "Ironic" for me on your guitar, if your favorite colors are also black, blue and white—I still want to spend more time with you for me to discover who you really are.

If we continue our communication, I will only continue to discover the wonderful person you truly are; I will only continue to share your happiness as well as your grief, your highs and lows. Because I want to be there for you, because I believe in you and I want to support you. I only know a little about you; I’ve only known you through what you have said about yourself. I’ve also only known you through your poems, but I’ve also known you through the things you have said to me. And I still want to know you more. Because, I guess, I do like you, and I’m ready to accept you no matter what else I might learn about you. However, even though it pains me so much to say this, we really have to end our friendship, because if we do not, my feelings for you will simply just grow deeper.

I want you to know that I like you, and that I want to love you. But I shouldn’t, because I know that there’s no possibility of you liking me, or loving me, or even you entertaining the thought of liking or loving me. It is unhealthy for us to continue our friendship when for you, I’m just a friend, but for me, you’re something more special. I have to get you out of my life or at least cut my communication with you, because my feelings for you have to subside, even though I don’t want to. I have to stop thinking of you all the time, even though—again—I don’t want to. I don’t want to live in my imaginations; I don’t want to live in my illusions.

You are a great person. You are special. You have inspired me in many ways, and you still continue to inspire me. I thank you for your kindness, for involuntarily motivating me to start my own online journal, for entertaining my messages, for supporting me on my first steps as a blogger and for being my friend.
Still, I really wish to know you, but this has to end.

Perfumes

It's been two years since I last smelled your perfume on your skin but the scent of it still pulls at my heartstrings and brings a tear to my eye. A stranger has passed me by, smelling just like you, and I close my eyes... dreaming that for a couple of minutes it is you who is nearby, and not some guy I have never seen before and will probably never see again.

You have made that scent yours -- even when thousands, perhaps even millions of other men across the globe have claimed it for their own as well. That smell will always remind me of you and you alone. No other man can wear it the way you can.

A few months after we broke up, I rode in an empty elevator smelling of your perfume. I almost broke down right there. I thought, God was playing a trick on me. I felt your presence so strongly, it was almost as if I was back in your arms. And then the elevator doors opened and in came the smells of the outside world, and with it a healthy dose of reality that you are gone.

Once in a while you take me out to dinner to talk and to keep the farce going that we are still friends. I say farce because I can never just be your friend. I still love you, can't you see that? I sit through our meal, smelling your new perfume and trying to smile and be happy for you as you talk about your newest date. You never seem to notice that my heart breaks every time you mention some other girl.

It is only at home that I let the tears flow, that I wish over and over again that you'd go back to using your old perfume, that you'd come back to me.

But wishing never brings anything so I'm forced to dry my tears. And I do my best to keep my eyes dry and to keep the pain at bay... at least until someone else wearing your perfume passes by, and once again I can pretend you are still mine, Papao ko.

i hate this part right here...

 i hate it when you're doing your best in what you do, without thinking of something in return, yet they give you allegations that is so below the belt... what's wrong with you pipol??? cant you be nice to the world?

heartbreak

to be part of a couple yet feel alone
to reach out and touch no one
to call and not get connected
to write and receive no reply
to ache and get no relief
to need and receive nothing
to call out and not be heard
to love and feel un-reciprocated
to wonder and find no answer

Di Lang Ikaw

I heard this song from the TV Series Rubi. The moment i hear it, I cant help but stop, listen and ponder on lyrics. It became an instant favorite of mine. Juris' voice is perfect for the song. And the song itself, speaks perfectly on what i feel at this point. I downloaded it right away when i got online. Another song for the soundtrack of my life. Here is the lyrics:

Di Lang Ikaw
(Juris Fernandez)

Pansin mo ba ang pagbabago
Di matitigan ang iyong mga mata
Tila hindi na nananabik
Sa ‘yong yakap at halik

Sana’y malaman mo
Hindi sinasadya
Kung ang nais ko ay maging malaya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

Pansin mo ba ang nararamdaman
Di na tayo magkaintindihan
Tila hindi na maibabalik
Tamis ng yakap at halik

Maaring tama ka
Lumalamig ang pagsinta
Sana’y malaman mong ‘di ko sinasadya

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

BRIDGE:
Di hahayaang habang buhay kang saktan
Di sasayangin ang iyong panahon
Ikaw ay magiging masaya
Sa yakap at sa piling ng iba

Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nahihirapan
Damdamin ko rin ay naguguluhan
Di lang ikaw
Di lang ikaw ang nababahala
Bulong ng isip, ‘wag kang pakawalan
Ngunit puso ko ay kailangan kang iwan

to clear the unclear...

You're making choice to live like this,
And all of the noise,
I am Silence.

I said I will keep forgiving you every time and the only time WE would ever come to an end is when YOU give up. BIG MISTAKE. I always did manage to get myself in trouble with my big mouth and impulsive honesty. I've told you time and again... Complacency is the enemy of progress. We haven't moved on from this rut we got ourselves in because the moment things look up for us... the moment I don't complain... you shy back away to your old ways that always always make me feel like crap. Please please. If you can't love me the way you tell me you will, just let me go. You wouldn't do it, would you? I know I couldn't so what the hell... I truly do deserve this crappy crappy feeling of apathy.

We already know how it ends tonight,
You run in the dark through a firefight.
And I would explode just to save your life,
Yeah I would explode.

I'd do anything for you. I'd do anything for love. I already did and still will. No wonder friends think my celebrated intellect is of no use with my love life. You may have an IQ of 200 but Tanga ka, gurl. Tanga ka. I always end up with the wrong guys. Or they always end up with the wrong me. What the world should do is gather all fucked up little girls like me and make us all live in a bubble. We shouldn't be allowed to roam freely and prey on nice young men. Heck, who am I kidding. You're no nice young man. If you were, I tell you... we both wouldn't have to grope in the dark for what to do next. I never was the first in a relationship to give up. Except for that one time but that was a different me. Ginagago na ko, I still hold on. So the mere fact that I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion because of you shows you are more fucking fucked up than I can ever be.

I can’t find a wall to pin this to,
They're all coming down since I've found you.
I just wanna be where you are tonight.

I longed to be beside you in everything you and I do. I was clingy, I knooowww. Those skanks had to pry you free from my cold dead fingers if they wanted to have you for themselves. Then one day, I woke up and realized that if you wanted to be with anyone else, I'm setting you free. Just don't come running back to me and claim yourself to be mine just because you have syphillis. Why did you have to throw everything we've shared and been through? C'mon mann... I can keep blaming you over and over and over and all you have to do is stay away from me and I'd stop bugging you. I can move on, you know. I really can. You just have to push me. Our memories are vanishing one by one in my head now... Just a little help from you and I'd be fine.

I run in the dark looking for some light,
And how will we know if we just don't try,
We won't ever know.

Well. We won't, I suppose. Tssch. I don't think you realized you were appointed to save my life, not totally push it off course. Congrats.

Some Truths we may know but refuse to put to heart...

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

2. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

3. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

4. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

5. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

6. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

7. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

8. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

9. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

10. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

11. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

12. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.