"Let
me take you home". I stared at the boy who uttered the words. The boy with
the lovely, dreamy brown eyes. He was clad in denim shorts, an oversized shirt
and mojo slippers, shivering a little when the wind blew harder. He carried a
red mountaineering backpack on his back. "Are you nuts? Not in this kind
of weather okay? Besides, my place is not big enough to accommodate an extra
person when you get stuck there later on." I grinned at him, trying to
lighten up the mood. The boy with the dreamy brown eyes shook his head. Before
I knew it, he was holding my hand. His grip felt smooth and warm, and a sense
of deep comfort filled me. I didn't know what to say. "Please." His
voice sounded far and manly.
It
was the first time I looked at him and saw somebody else, instead of just the
boy I hang out with everyday since the training started. His tanned face looked
more attractive, his lashes longer and curlier, lips redder. He was taller,
bolder, more disarming. Despite the
trance he seemed to have put me into, I managed to pull my hand back and smiled
sadly. "You know I'd love to, Mark. It's just that…." My words
trailed off unfinished. I saw the mixture of anger and sadness clouded his
eyes. He sighed wearily, indicating surrender for the nth time. I avoided his
eyes and pretended to look for something in my backpack. I was starting to feel
worse, and the rain seemed to have poured harder. It was getting dark and the
other athletes inside the building were hurrying to get out and head home. The wind was howling loudly, strong and
persistent. I suddenly felt alone and scared. I stole a glance at Mark and
found him staring at the trees in front of the building, lost in his own
thoughts. "I'm sorry", I croaked involuntarily. I wanted to say a
million things, wanted him to know how I truly feel. But I couldn't bring
myself to.
"Rae,
I don't like her. I mean, not the way she wants me to. I'll forever see her as
a friend, nothing more." He said, reading my exact thoughts. His words
pierced my heart deeper. I wanted to tell him that I like him too; that I think
he's the most wonderful, caring and loveable man I've ever known. I wanted to
tell him that I don't want him to take me home because I want to walk under the
rain with him, to hold him and kiss him until the moon goes up and paint the
night sky red orange.
But fate couldn't be any more cruel. Mark has
always been someone else love and life. He was the man she wanted to spend the
rest of her life with, the man she wanted to father her children. He was
everything to her, and I don't want to come between her dreams. I do not want
to be the cause of her sadness and grief. I do not want to steal her only
source of happiness in this world. Wiping the tear that has managed to escape
from my eyes, I tried to look nonchalant. "You don't know what you're
saying. You love her too, you just don't know it yet," I reasoned, knowing
too well that I sounded like a naïve child. He laughed softly, husky and
melodious. We looked at each other sadly. Somehow, both of us were aware of the
situation at hand. If only things didn't end up so complicated. At the time, I
thought he was just being his goofy self, but when I looked at him, his eyes
said otherwise. He was smiling at me like a lovesick fourteen-year old kid and
I didn't have a choice but to tell him I felt the same way. I knew it was
crazy, but one part of me seemed to have floated in ecstasy. "I like you a
lot Rae. I liked you the way you carry yourself. I like the way you're so nice
to everybody, the way you laugh at your own not-so-funny jokes." He paused
with emphasis on the last sentence and both of us laughed loudly. "Are you
sure? Are you that crazy? Come on, don’t you have any idea. " "That's
because I find you too attractive. And everybody else liked you. Remember the
time I caught you deflating my favorite ball red-handed? I couldn't get enough
of your facial expression then. That was the time I realized how unfriendly I
seemed to you". He was reminiscing the memory in great relish, a far
dreamlike look in his face. I couldn't help smiling myself, for the memories
seemed funnier, even cute, when he talks about it that way.
Even though we
started hanging out together this live-in training after we found out we were
having the same room, Mark never struck me as somebody who might see me in a
different light. "Cut it out. I'm not going to buy any of that shit"
I said firmly, a wide, friendly smile on my face. Outside, the heavy rain
turned into a soft drizzle, the trees and the grass enveloped in the lovely
whiteness of a heavy fog. The building was almost deserted, and a mixture of
emptiness and peace settled upon me. I looked at Mark, with his dreamy brown
eyes and tanned skin.
He smiled, and found my hand once again. Instinctively, I
held on tighter. He squeezed it back, and that's when the wild idea came into
my mind. "Let's walk under the rain tonight. Let's pretend I'm not Rae and
you're not Mark. Let's pretend we live in a much freer world, there's no Mae or
our friends telling us what they think. Tonight, just for tonight, let's fall
in love." We walked out of the building hand in hand, welcoming the raindrops
that kissed our skin. The moon was up, painting the night sky red-orange, and
the wind was blowing gently. I never felt any of the coldness though, for his
hands and his presence kept me warm enough. For the first time in the last
three weeks, I felt deliriously happy. Everything looked brighter and more
beautiful, like everything felt right and in place.
Tonight, just for tonight,
I am allowing myself to be happy. For tomorrow, when the moon goes down and the
sun rises up, I'll have to forget this ever happened. I cannot allow myself to
fall in love with Mark, because he belongs to someone else. They will fall in
love in the right time, and I will be happy for them. But tonight, just for
tonight, I will pretend he's mine...
